In the light of recent events on campus, I found myself getting overwhelmed by the feelings that circulated the deaths that affected the CMU community. I don’t wish to advise on the stress culture, depression or being there for others, because I think that many have done an amazing job at addressing these topics. Instead, I want to take this opportunity to share a small but significant piece of my life in hopes that I give others some motivation or hope.
Coming from a high school that was intense, to say the least, I remember that when I went through a traumatic experience during the summer after my freshman year, I felt like I had been left incapacitated. I was someone who always had her eyes fixated at the light at the end of the tunnel: my dream of being a self-sufficient entrepreneur living in the big city. I had never felt deterred from that dream until then.
I don’t remember much from my sophomore year except that I skipped multiple school days, sometimes not even having enough energy to get out of bad without breaking into tears and that I felt hopeless all the time. I tried to pull myself up. Knowing that I was incredibly traumatized by my experience, everyone around me told me to take it easy when it came to grades. Despite hearing these words of advice, my eyes only saw the students who were getting straight A’s, joining multiple clubs, and participating in all sorts of social events.
I tried so hard to get the A, never wishing to accept that I needed to give myself the break- because hey, I had always worked hard and got the grade. But here I was, trying to work but so emotionally shaken that I had a hard time focusing. I told myself to look at the end goal. The problem was, I had lost sight of this goal. I didn’t even know what was on the other end of the tunnel because it seemed as if someone had locked the door to the tunnel. What resulted was a dissatisfactory grade report, which tore me apart as I felt even more trapped in the tunnel. It still grips my heart when I think back to how hopeless I felt and that I actually thought I would never make it through.
With a lot of help from close ones, I made it through sophomore year. Although I felt like I had recovered afterwards, in the stress of junior year I spiraled again. With only the best intentions in mind, many loved ones around me were concerned about my grades and my prospects for college. At this moment, I snapped into reality. This was the moment I took extra time out of school days and reached out for help, ignoring the concerns of everyone around me as I did what I thought was best for me.
I remember in junior year I told those who were concerned about me one thing: “I don’t care where I go to college, I promised myself I will make it somewhere and I will. I will work hard and make the best of my resources.”
Suddenly it was senior year and although I had decent grades for senior year, I knew my GPA for the past two years may not be sufficient to get me into the colleges I had longed for. Once again, I turned to the end goal, looking at it longingly. Here I was, about to take an important step that I had waited for years and yet I felt so far away from my dream.
It hurts, when you want something with all your heart and you feel it to be impossible. I still remember when the memories of my past years caught up to me, making me feel insecure about myself and my abilities. No one knew about the feelings that gripped me and how much the memories of my past haunted me. I still remember the day before I got my CMU results, I broke down as the strong front I tried to put through all the rejection letters came down. That night I reminded myself of what I told myself in junior year- the words no one else told me but myself: “I don’t care where I go to college, I promised myself I will make it somewhere and I will. I will work hard and make the best of my resources.”
Some may wonder why I decided to share this personal experience now and what it means. My answer is because it’s college: the four years that everyone tells us we should cherish. The four years that everyone says goes by so fast, we will be left in the wake of our graduation feeling confused on how the degree ended up in our ends.
Taking a look back at the past year, I am not surprised because I have had a busy year, nonetheless enjoying myself. As I have started to get overwhelmed, I am reminded of the times when I felt closed off from everyone because I had too much going on in my life. And from here I learn my lesson: education, social life, club participation is all important. But there is one thing that lies above all that: taking care of myself. If I hadn’t given myself the confidence boost that I needed during junior year, if I hadn’t prioritized myself and I hadn’t gotten help when I knew I needed it, I doubt that I would be sitting in the Gates-Hillman building at Carnegie Mellon University writing this.
