On election day, I felt a unique sense of accomplishment while filling in the little oval on the ballot sheet next to Hillary Clinton's name. It took no more than two seconds for me to completely cover the shape in blue ink, but in that short time a bubble of emotion swelled in my chest. I thought to myself, "I'm going to remember this feeling forever. When my future children and grandchildren learn about the 2016 Presidential Election in their history classes, I'll be able to tell them I cast my first vote for the first female President of the United States."
Walking out of the Glenville Elementary School polling center, I carried my "I Voted" sticker as a toddler would a Youth Soccer League medal after taking her first shot to the goal and breaking the 0-0 tie for her team right at the buzzer. The sticker was a symbol of a kind of pride I had never felt before. So, I didn't peel off the backing and put it on my sweater for it to get lost in a washing machine the next day. Instead, I placed it safely in the back-most pocket of my wallet where I do all little mementos, smushed up against a message I found in a fortune cookie last December in the midst of college applications that says, "All your hard work and effort are finally paying off."
Around 8:00 PM that night, my family and I turned on CNN to watch the results come in. We were all nervous, my mom was just the only one to verbalize it. Even when a mere 3% of votes had been counted, she kept repeating, "Oh my God, he could win. He could really win." I dismissed her nervousness as ungrounded pessimism. Although I had subconsciously acknowledged the possibility of Trump's success, I protected myself from the nerve-racking prospect of his leadership and let myself inhabit a world in which, despite the twists and turns of each campaign, Hillary was the obvious choice. By midnight, the joke would be up. We could already start celebrating.
Around 10:00 PM, it became clear Trump was on track to win more battle ground states than anticipated. I noticed a subtle tonal shift in my living room and on the television. The CNN hosts started clicking through different counties on the interactive map more frantically, and reiterating increasingly often that they were struggling to find the votes Hillary needed in order to win. Anxious, I silently peeled myself away from the screen and walked up to my room. In need of escape and distraction, I put on gym clothes and sneakers and went down to the basement to run on the treadmill.
I ran faster than usual that night, imagining myself an embodiment of America, sweating and panting on the quest for a bright, progressive future far away from a demagogic, ludicrous ruler.
My run helped clear my head. But, I found myself getting tired, and had to turn off the treadmill after 13.5 minutes instead of 15 as I had planned going in. I reassured myself that I had run hard, put in effort and gotten a good work out. Nevertheless, I was left with a distinct feeling, as if I had touched the goal I was running towards but failed to fully reach out and grab it.
Later that night, I watched Trump clinch Florida, Iowa, North Carolina, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Hillary's only path to victory became via Rust Belt. Then, he won those states too.
One week after election day, I'm still shocked by Trump's win and incredibly frustrated by Hillary's loss. My "I Voted" sticker remains in my wallet where I first put it, but has since tattered and developed an irreconcilable taint. I'm exhausted and upset by how close America was to electing a female President and finally reaching its 15 minute mark. While the result opened my eyes to struggles in rural America I was previously unfamiliar with, I remain worried for the safety and rights of myself and my peers. I'm unsure of what the next four years will look like, and distraught by the potential national and international damage that may ensue over the course of them.
I've found solace in reading articles about the election and re-watching Hillary's concession speech. The articles provide me with unbiased, birds-eye understanding of the greater issues that led to Trumps election. Hillary's speech provides me with foresightful hope:
"Our campaign was never about one person, or even one election. It was about the country we love and building an America that is hopeful, inclusive, and big-hearted. We have seen that our nation is more deeply divided than we thought. But I still believe in America, and I always will."
