Content warning: May be triggering for those recovering from an eating disorder.

I had never had a healthy relationship with my body. Being a kid and having spent too many days spent at Grandma's house, I was overweight for half of my life. I ate junk food and I ate too much of it. I wasn't in sports and to be blunt, I was fat. It never really bothered me — I was happy with my life.

Sometimes people would say things though. There was a particular family friend who would always say passive-aggressive things to me.

"What are you making?" he asked one day as I was spreading low-fat (like it mattered) cream cheese on a blueberry bagel. When I replied to what I was making, he started to make himself one, too. "I don't like putting cream cheese on mine because I don't want to get fat" he told me. I was ten, he was 33.

Overall, I didn't really let things get to me. I ended up (healthily) losing weight when I was 14, a lot of it. My highest weight was 220 and my lowest weight (within the past five years) has been 132. I ended up gaining some back, and my sophomore year of high school (2015) to present have struggled with anorexia nervosa. Since I came to college a year and a half ago, things have only gotten worse.

In the past 18 months, shit has hit the fan. My ED has made college less enjoyable than it should be.

In the past 18 months, I have...

Fasted at least two days of the week.

Denied going out with friends because I felt fat and wanted to purge.

Taken sleeping pills when I'm not tired just so I don't have to be awake and hungry.

Worn many repeated outfits because they make me feel like I look the skinniest possible.

Looked in the mirror no less than 20 times a day to look at my stomach.

Drank coffee when I didn't want it just to suppress my appetite.

Overexercised and exercised while on a fast.

Tried to avoid all activities involving food.

Cried myself to sleep for hating how I look.

Hidden my ED and/or the severity of it to those who do know.

I know I need to stop, but it is hard.

My hair is falling out, I'm always tired, I get out of breath easily, my nails break off, and I don't sleep well. My eating disorder is screwing up my life.