Recently I had to break up with someone who was extremely abusive. They were controlling, manipulative, and made me feel like the worse person in the world. Now before you go grab your torches and pitchforks to chase down "the guy that abused a woman". I'm not talking about a guy. No, my break up was with myself.
After battling with depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, I decided enough was enough. I had been drilling myself into the ground with insecurities, excessive worry, ridiculous obsessions, and overall misery. I hated myself. I abused myself with constant thoughts that made me feel inadequate and below everyone else. I finally decided it was time to break up.
I know it seems ridiculous that to say "I'm done, I'll be better now", the whole premis of depression and anxiety is that you can't control how you feel. That's exactly right though. I CAN'T control how I feel, but I CAN control how I think. I decided to think more positively and not let me abuse myself.
When negative thoughts come into my head and try to make me feel bad, I always try to stop, breathe, and think more positive thoughts. Instead of, I can't do anything right, I think "well I can write poetry and some people can't." Sometimes I worry about my future and try to control the circumstances around me and I start getting stressed because I can't. I then think "I have to trust God with this."
Breaking up with myself was probably the hardest thing to do because I had only known myself as this depressed and anxious girl for at least 9 years. That's 9 years I abused myself. Now, I didn't know how to love myself anymore. I still don't, but I'm working on self-love.
I promised myself no more self-hate... That doesn't mean I won't still struggle with thoughts of self-hate. I still continue to struggle each day. It's a process and i know that. But I'm hoping through sheer determination that one day, I won't even pay attention to thought is self-hate. That one day, I can wake up and finally love myself fully. Until that day, I'm going to continue being broken up with myself
