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Because I Have Good Days, My Depression isn't Real

Sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am excruciatingly sad, but my depression isn't real.

Alexa Robinson

Jun 05, 2017

James Madison

151

Pexels

My depression isn't real.

I am not depressed. I do not have depression.

I have good days. I have days when I smile and laugh. I have days when I don't cry once. I am perfectly fine. I am happy. I am not depressed.

I have friends. I go out and spend time with my friends. We have a good time. We smile and laugh. A lot.

My depression isn't real.

I look at myself in the mirror and smile. Sometimes I like the way I look. I feel pretty. I like the way I did my makeup or curled my hair. I look skinny in a certain pair of pants. Sometimes I feel good about myself.

I think about my future. I think about reaching my goals and having the career that I've been dreaming of for years right in front of me. I think about having a family and name my future children. I plan out where I want to live. Sometimes I even look at houses and picture how I'd decorate them.

Because my depression isn't real.

I have bad days.

I have days where I can't pull myself out of bed. I have days when everything thought that goes through my head is negative. I have days where the majority of my time is spent crying. I have days when I'm sad and I don't know why.

But my depression isn't real.

I have anxiety attacks. I shake and scream. I cry. I can't process anything in my head.

I have irrational fears. I worry about the future and things that I can't control. I stress about every little thing.

I hate myself. I hate myself more than I want to, but I can't help it. I look in the mirror and cry because I hate what I see. I hate my body. I hate my face. I hate my voice. I hate everything. I scream, and I cry, and I pretend to like myself, but I don't.

But it's not real.

I am numb to everything. I am numb to pain and to love. I am numb to happiness and to sadness. I cry, but why? I can't pull myself out of bed or hold a normal conversation. Or I can smile and laugh and pretend that everything is OK. But which is real? How do I really feel?

Because my depression isn't real.

I have to take medication to feel normal. I take medication to function like a person.

Sometimes I am happy, and sometimes I am excruciatingly sad,

but my depression isn't real.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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25 reasons your last semester in college is the best and worst time of your life

"The Office" understands the struggle of the first week back from winter break.

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6. You resent the professors that keep you for the whole class time on the first day.

7. When professors tell you too much about their personal lives on the first day of class.

8. When your professor tries to explain the benchmark assignment to the class.

9. Finding out the final exam in a class will be comprehensive.

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15. Getting overly excited for going out on the first weekend back from break.

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Pocahontas, “The Peace Keeper”

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Rapunzel, “The Sheltered One”

Tiana, “The Independent One”

Ariel, “The One Who Is Shy Around Men”

Elsa, “The Mom”

Anna, “The Impulsive One”

Say yes to new adventures!

It's full of opportunities to learn more things.

It's one of the easiest times to make friends.

It helps you learn how to think critically.

You get to focus on what you want to study.

Class is minutes away from your dorm.

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You won't be judged for going to class in your PJ's

You will truly create yourself.

If you are an ISU student, you will come across most of these things during your time on campus.

1. The wait for Buffalo Wild Wings is always going to be long on Thursday nights.

2. Another inevitable wait — the line at The Pub II on Wednesdays.

3. Your feet will automatically stick to the floor at Chasers.

4. The only place busier than The Alamo II during finals week for book returns is Chipotle on Halloween.

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6. The wind tunnel never gets better, and you never get used to it.

7. Your friends are either from a suburb of Chicago or a small town in Illinois — there is rarely an in between.

8. You know and probably love a bearded man named Bill Shields.

9. The squirrels on the quad double as our second mascot and wannabe pets.

10. The only time you really find yourself at the library is for a group project or during finals preparation.

11. You can spot a freshman a mile away if they have on their Fear The Bird shirt along with a lanyard around their neck.

12. The Normal Police Department has collected $275 from you.

13. Last, but not least, is that you just don't know what you would've done if you went anywhere else.

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