Depression. It used to be kind of a taboo subject, and thankfully more and more people are talking about it. But just because we talk about it doesn't mean it's gone, I wish that were the case. But sadly no matter how many therapists you see or how many friends you vent to, depression doesn't just go away. It's like your shadow, even though you can't always see it, you know it will be back.
I was diagnosed with depression in about eighth grade; I've seen a handful of therapists and I've taken the prescriptions that they give me. And to some people, that must mean that I'm cured! But that's not how this works. My depression is always there. Hiding behind a corner, or lurking under the surface of me.
It seems as if whenever I find myself really enjoying life, my depression resurfaces to remind me that I'm "damaged".
It seems nearly impossible to maintain normal, healthy relationships and friendships. I pine for other's affection and approval, so I'm constantly talking to people and trying to make friends. But soon things seem to be going too well for me. It's like a battle within myself as my depression tells me that these are not real friends.
The depression wins like always, and I end up pushing those people away. Isolating myself to be alone with my thoughts.
After my depression has succeeded in isolating me from everyone I care about, I have to pick up the pieces. I have to tell myself that it's going to be alright, even though I know it's a lie. I force myself to get back up and fix the bridges that have been burned.
I know people are tired of hearing the excuses such as "I've been really busy" and "I'm too tired to go out tonight", but not everyone will accept "my crippling depression is making me cut off all communication with people who could potentially make me happy, so I'm just gonna sleep and cry for a couple of weeks".
It feels like I'm constantly having to pick myself up, or asking somebody else to help me back up. And it gets tiring. Getting your hopes up just to be let down again. Maybe this time will be different, maybe it won't.
I've come pretty far since my diagnosis though. I don't have as many breakdowns, and the score on my end has gone up considerably in the match of me versus my depression. The biggest enemy in this is my own thoughts, so I try to keep them positive. I'm only 18, life is gonna get good, I just have to wait for it.
I've found things that make me genuinely happy, and I've developed a routine for when my depression gets bad. When I feel it coming up to remind me of how bad things can get, I know exactly what to do.
I treat myself by taking a nice bath and washing my hair. Then I cuddle up with a good TV show on Netflix that will remind me of the good in life.
And then everything is okay for a little while, I'm okay for a little while. And soon enough, I'll really be okay.
