During one of my ever so-familiar breakdowns about a month ago, my almost immediate reaction was to write it all down. Every emotion I was feeling, every scary moment, every time my eyes got teary and, of course, every time I got so angry that my writing actually turned into scribbles. When I'm in a more steady mood, I can recognize that my depression is a part of me and it's not something I can just get rid of or something I can pretend doesn't exist. It affects me. It can make great days turn into crappy days in seconds, and turn some of my best friends into my worst enemies.

I recognize there are people out there my age, who know there's this huge issue right now around mental illness awareness, that will never understand what I'm going through. This is for all the people that tell me it's all in my head (technically it is, but not in the way they're thinking of), the boyfriends I've lost for "being too crazy," the "friends" I've pushed away, and most of all, for myself. This is to remind me that even though I feel like I'm collapsing from the inside, I can stand strong. I can go to college, I can pay my bills, I can make my own decisions, and most importantly, I can fight this.

One of the best little pictures I've ever found on Facebook was this note that said:

The problem with depression is:

-You know you'll be ok, but you still feel awful.
-You know people love you,but it doesn't feel like they do.
-You know doing something will make you feel better, but you just don't know what to do.
-You want to be well, but you just can't seem to get there.

This, to me, is beautiful. It puts into words the things that don't always click right away. I've been "experiencing," as my friend Rheanna likes to say, depression for almost 5 years, and I've never seen the words laid out so perfectly. It's hypocritical, honestly. The second clause should cancel out the first and leave you without any extreme emotions, right? Unfortunately, that's not the way it works. Instead, people like me, are stuck feeling both things at the same time, and going between the two constantly. Before I let myself get into a very real rant about this, here is "An Open Letter to my Depression."

Dear you,

GO AWAY. Nobody wants you here. You're not doing anyone any good.Youtake away every good part about me that I like and replace them with everything I can't stand.

"You're beautiful."

"No, you're not, the guy you like can't even take the time to text you back."

"Shut up, you're stupid!"

"No, you're the stupid one. You can't do anything right. You cried because there was no milk in your house for cereal. CEREAL. How pathetic can you really get?"

I can't even watch a sad movie with you around. I guess that's what I get for my favorite movie being "A Walk to Remember." I can't enjoy the beautiful love story shown withoutyou whispering in the back of my head, "no one will ever love you that much." Why won'tyou just let me be happy?!

You put this huge lump in my throat, like I'm suffocating.You make me doubt my worthiness in the face of a higher education. A HIGHER F***ING EDUCATION. ARE YOU F***ING KIDDING ME?! The one thing that would propel me into my dreams, and you can't even respect it a little bit?! You ruin my relationships. When I think back to my break-ups, all of them, who's right there making me cry and telling me to suck it up? YOU. Oh, it's all fun and games until you push me into a corner and drown me in my own tears while the person I love just has to sit back and watch. If you were a person, I would've killed you by now. I'll take the life sentence in jail, I'm not worried.

You're literally KILLING ME, and I can never totally get rid of you.

I've tried, believe me, I've tried, so many f***ing times. But the drugs make me tired and the yoga makes me angry because you tell me I can't do it right.

I feel like a f***ing science experiment. Like at the end you're going to cut me open and find that everything on the inside looks normal, but my brain scan shows that I act and think just a little different. EVERYTHING on the inside is fine. My body works normally, my brain is a whole other situation. The problem is, if I act "normal," I feel like I'm betraying myself; like I'm not letting myself feel my emotions. Is that it, though? Do you want me to feel my emotions? How about this? I feel like banging my head against a f***ing wall. And every time I try to talk to someone about you they tell me to smoke or drink you away, but we both know it's just a temporary fix.

In my head you look like a big blob monster, a big green one. Green with the envy that you feel toward me and my happiness. You take everything in your path that makes me happy. My friends, my understanding and reason, choir, my confidence, school, my sanity, church, my faith, my family, love, it's all gone. And what do I get left with? Self-loathing and the idea that I'm quite literally hysterical.

Oh, and if I'm out in public? God, everyone better be prepared because I'll be staring at the floor, sippin' my drink, feeling guilty as hell for wanting to leave after 20 minutes. Then the questions will ensue and my answers will never be what I'm really feeling. They'll look something like this:

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine"

"No, I'm not. Please, don't make me stay here. Someone take me home, please."

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." *cue fake smile and additions to the conversation*

"If I talk any louder than this, I'm going to scream and break down."

I can barely breathe when you're around. I hate you. PLEASE, GO AWAY.