I finally realize what a great mistake I would’ve made if I had transferred to City. My parents were not happy, although they let me make the decision because they were concerned about my happiness as well. They wanted me to stay at John Jay because of all that I’d accomplished within the last four semesters; they liked the college. I remember feeling restless when I was on my way to City College. I didn't feel as happy as I should have been that day. I even let the B train ( the one that goes to City) pass as I stopped and gave myself a few more minutes to think about it. I kept calling my mom that day, telling her about how beautiful City is. However, deep inside I knew that I only called her to let her give me a reason not to join City.
I have made friendships with some of the amazing professors at John Jay, with whom I still keep in touch, and I realized that I have already built myself a home in the college. On August, I received an email from another professor congratulating me on my transfer. I thought about how much I would miss taking a class with him again at John Jay. He is my International Relations professor, one who had inspired me to further my studies in IR. My professors at John Jay have been one of the biggest support systems in my life. I had a long talk about this with my mother last night.
Professor Whitestone, my amazing English writing professor and Jannutal, my online classmate, gave me further more reason to stay at John Jay; something which I was not able to figure out by myself.
I realized that I was going to City for all the wrong reasons. Today, my decision seems clear in my mind. I have decided to stay at John Jay till I graduate. I feel like Professor Whitestone, and Jannutal might have come into my life to stop me from making a decision I would forever regret. I realized that If I went to City, I would have never been happy at all because my heart had still belonged to John Jay. I remember that it was Professor Balis at John Jay, who saved me from what was the lowest point of my life. I remember how John Jay rescued me as I desperately hung at the edge of the cliff.
I had been living a miserable life. It’s almost as if the sun refused to shine on me while everyone around me seemed to be radiating with nothing but exuberance. I somehow built immunity towards that sort of contagiousness. However, I chose to deny. Denial was all that I’d ever known for the last two years. I could feel a hole inside me slowly devouring my soul as I continued to live in denial. I knew my life had turned around for the worst.
Morning came, and I was glued to my bed. All I could think of was for the day to end. However, this only made me feel worse as time ticked by slowly. I had scheduled all of my classes towards the end of the day so that I didn’t have to deal with the sunlight. I had also been developing some rather irritating health issues which only worsened my symptoms. Optimistic thinking and motivation were almost non-existent in my mind. My friends would make plans with me, and all I could think of was going home and watching movies. I know a lot of us enjoy such activity at home when we are by ourselves. However, in my case, this was the only thing that helped me feel a sense of satisfaction. It was a feeling similar to binge-eating.
I would lie down and stare at the wall questioning myself, “Who am I?” I knew I wasn’t the same person I had been before. It was as if a different entity has resided within me. I felt unloved, despite having the best parents and supportive friends. During my withdrawal, I lost count on the number of friendships I’d broken. I needed to learn how to keep friends. I performed horribly in every class I took. These classes were easy but somehow, I just couldn’t work and bring myself to school in a state of mind that I was in. I missed the motivation I once possessed. I missed the old me. . . .I knew what was happening to me but I still continued living in denial. After days of hiding myself in my dark bedroom, I decided to go to school. I had been skipping classes day by day. Nevertheless, I forced myself to attend one of the classes. I had chosen that class specifically because it triggered my interest. I sat in the first row with nobody next to me since I had established myself as an aloof and shy person in the class.
Professor Balis was taking the attendance when she suddenly called out on me. With a concerned look, she asked me to stay after class in a tad stern voice. She wanted to speak with me, and I immediately guessed it was about my extensive absences. Later, she turned to me and asked me, “Are you okay?” As soon as she spoke those words, I could no longer fight back the tears and feelings I’d built up for two years. I cried in her arms because nobody had asked me if I was okay. She knew what I’d been going through. I had been suffering from depression. I opened up to her as tears rolled down my cheeks. She ensured me that everything would be fine as there was help. She shared a story of her own struggle with depression as I carefully listened to her every word. Of course, that happened to her years ago. I realized that I hadn’t been able to ask for help because I'd denied that I was depressed. My parents didn’t believe in things such as “depression,” so opening up to them was hard. Professor Balis quickly ushered me to make an appointment in the John Jay Wellness Center and I did. I went home and had a talk with my mom. We got into a heated argument as she yelled on top of her voice arguing that she and my dad were working so hard to provide me with everything but yet I was “depressed.” I locked myself in my room and called it a day.
The next morning, I woke up feeling rejuvenated. My mother sat on the end of my bed and said that she was sorry. She tried to understand since she has always been a strong lady. She fed me with words of love, support, and encouragement. That alone was enough for me. Our bond only grew stronger. Now, after going through treatment, I am finally able to say that I am free. Free from depression. I am now a motivated student continuing to pursue my dreams with determination and hard work.
I look back and tears well up my eyes. I feel blessed to be a member of the John Jay Family. John Jay Wellness Center and my professors pulled me from the black hole that had been swallowing me. It was true what Professor Whitestone said; the answer was easier than I thought it had been. One of my classmates, Jannutal, posted a comment that touched me; a comment that I had been waiting all along. Yes, I am going to follow my heart. I realized that my best friend was a part of the reason I wanted to join City. Now I know that although City has a great program as well, John Jay has always had the best program for me. I was able to realize this when I went to City and found out fewer resources for my field, unlike John Jay. I am enjoying my internships and academic jobs because John Jay helped me build up skills that are just invaluable. As I canceled my enrollment, I came across my receipt of 100 dollars commitment fee to City College. Although I lost 100 dollars, it is a loss I will never regret.
I am so proud of my college and the people who make it happen. John Jay is more than just a college. It is a second home to many John Jay Bloodhounds, including me.
