My sweet Mamaw,

You loved me before I was even born. You loved me before I was even thought of. After having 4 generations of no girls, you couldn’t wait to have that girl. Just that one.

I was that one. We were best friends since day one and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I know you had it rough my entire life and for that, I can’t say I’m sorry enough and I know saying sorry never was enough because nothing took your pain away. Right before turning two, you had your brain surgery and everyone always tells me you weren’t the same after that. But you were the Mamaw I knew and the one I loved. I knew you couldn’t always play with me or swim in the pool like you wanted because of your back or because you couldn’t be in the sun because of all your medications. Everyone always tells me you would’ve loved to play with me beforehand and I remember us playing after, too, but maybe it wasn’t the same and I just didn’t know that. I loved our slumber parties in your room watching Reba. Dancing in your living room.

I even remember the stinky dogs that lived next door to you and asking when you were moving away from those stinky things. You were always so excited to get me clothes and jewelry. You just needed that girl. Maybe that was just our way of playing and maybe it wasn’t the same as everyone else’s growing up. Even if it was, I wouldn’t have cared. You were my person. You are my person. I think so highly of you and I know where I get my personality, my strength and my heart from because I’m a spitting image of you in so many ways. I’ve always been so proud when someone tells me I look like you or act like you because they were such a compliment to me. To have just an inch of you as a part of me and for people to see it, was the biggest compliment I could receive. You are so beautiful. You always made me laugh.

Looking back at photos now, I knew how happy I was every time I was around you, but I never knew the extent of it. You were my favorite person in the entire world. All the stories you always told about our family or about you and I when I was little just reminded me all the more of how much I love you. You mean the world to me. One week ago, I was with you and in your arms hugging you goodbye and I’d see you soon, the next time I came home from college. I could have never prepared for the knock on my door for my mom to tell me the news that you had passed away. I still don’t believe it. I can’t believe I wasn’t there for you.

The one time I wasn’t there for you when you were sick or went to the hospital the most unexpected and unforeseen events happened. I know you’d tell me right now to stop crying and to shut up, but I can’t help but feel guilty I wasn’t there for you. You were always there for me and I was always there for you. I know God needed you when he needed you and for my selfish reasons it doesn’t matter. He needed you more than I do. That doesn’t mean this pain is any less or this is any easier, but I do know you’re in a happier place and you aren’t suffering anymore.

My heart aches. You never got to see my apartment. You’ll never get to meet my husband and I won’t have your approval. You won’t be at my graduation. You won’t be at my wedding or the birth of my first baby. We always talked about these things and now you’re not here and I can’t talk to you and that’s all I want to do. I found your text from your birthday that broke my heart even more because it just can’t happen now, but I know you meant it. I know you’ve hung on long enough and I’m sure you have wanted to go so many times before, but I’m beyond thankful for the 21 years I had with you.

You were the most amazing woman I knew. I hope you always knew how much I love and adore you. I was always worried about you when you should’ve been worried about me. Worried about the trouble I could’ve been getting into, my grades in school, but I was always worried about your health no matter how many times you told me you felt great, you weren’t fooling anyone, you’re just stubborn and I get that from you, too! You are just gone too soon. Too soon for me, too soon for Dad and Papaw and everyone else. But we know it was your time and you’re happier now.

I hope you’re dancing and singing with Jesus. I hope your parents and Uncle Ken met you at Heaven's gate. You’ve always been my angel; now you’re my guardian angel, with uncle Ken. My heart will always ache without you psychically here, but I know you’re watching over me. You’ll always have my heart and love you more than anything. I didn’t get to thank you enough for everything you did and everything that you are so thank you.

Thank you for showing me how to be the woman I am today. Thank you for teaching me your strength, because without you, I could never be as strong as I am I know you knew it, but I have to say it. And I still mean what I said, I’ll see you soon with arms wide open. Because Mamaw and Papaw love me and Jesus loves me, right

I love you to the moon and back.