This could easily be considered hate mail. What I have to say to you is anything but pleasant and I don't have a problem telling you off. After nearly six years, I think it's time I put in my two cents. Lord knows you've given me everything you have for as long I can remember...
I have to start off by saying that I appreciate your persistence. Not many mental illnesses can lay dormant for days then have a full-fledged outburst at the worst possible moment. Not only that, but you will push and push at my consciousness until I let you break me apart. Props. Of course, I'm applying the utmost sarcasm to this statement as the last thing I feel towards you is appreciation. But still, props.
I suppose you may be wondering why I haven't written to you prior to now. Like I said, it has been six years we've been together and this has been long overdue. However, the problem I've faced time and time again is finding the exact words to say to you. I didn't want to come across as too aggressive nor did I want to sound defeated. I needed an in-between ground. Though I think that it has come to the point where I don't give a damn how I come across.
You have hurt me. You have driven away those closest to me. You have isolated me and tore me apart inside. So if I sound mad, it's because I am. You have kept me up into the late hours of the night making me ponder every aspect of my life. Forcing me to ask every question from, "What's the point?" to "Who would care?" You've driven me to mark my skin up with everlasting scars that I'll have to explain to my children some day. I'll have to carry you with me for the rest of my life. You've made the people I care most about have to worry about if I'll make it through another day. I can't be surprised by the fact that some people don't want to deal with us.
But that's not the worst of it. It's the fact that you don't exist to some people. It's the fact that to some, you are invisible and non-existent. How am I supposed to explain you to people if you aren't even real to them? And if I can't explain you to them... How do I get help? How am I not supposed to feel alone?
Luckily for me, though, I'm not alone. Granted you've been able to make me feel that way at times, I know that I'm not. While you've caused some to run away screaming, you've caused others to hold on tighter despite the breakdowns, the scars, and all of the rest. After six years, you've never ceased to terrify the hell out of me. Impressive as that may be, I'm more impressed by a completely different thing: the ones. The ones who've put up with it. The ones who've held me while you pushed me to my limits. The ones who've made me think that I'm more than what you make me think I am.
So the last thing I have to say to you is this: bring it on. Because if I haven't cracked now, I won't ever. I'm stronger than anything you could ever throw at me and I've finally realized that.
Sincerely,
K
