This was my goal for this year: give up on creating any new novels. I finished one new novel this year and that was only because I had previously started it the year previously. Making this decision has taught me a lot about how the brains of humans work when it comes to chasing the dream. And it, of course, has brought out more of my stone cold I don't care if I hurt your feelings attitude. Yes I know people are reading this thinking, 'whoa that's extreme'. Maybe, maybe not. But let me break it down for you.

Man works seven days a week 8-8. Man goes to the gym after. Man relies on public transportation. Man gets home close to midnight every night. Man wakes up at 5.30 every morning so he can get work on time. Thus leaving man approximately six hours of sleep time. Man must now decide to type novel that will need hours of time a day to complete. So man ends up functioning on an average of two hours of sleep per day for years to pump out seven books. I'm over this. I am going to just quit and actually take the time to work on me. I want to learn new languages. Man routinely skips gym and healthy eating to squeeze in more typing time. Man wants to visit countries across the globe. Man would like to spend more time with friends. Man wants to become addicted to TV sitcoms like normal humans. Man wants to read books because he loves reading. And most importantly, man would like to SLEEP. And what does the public say, "Don't give up on your dreams." and there in lies the dilemma.

People are so quick to encourage but 99 cents for an ebook, nope.

"Your paintings are too expensive can I get a discount."

"Why don't you give me this shirt for free and I'll wear it for you. Free promotion. Can I have a discount on my child's birthday cake."

When people are trying to make it on their own there's this big humongous 'i know you so why don't you just hook me up cloud' hanging over success. Then when you've had enough all these people want to come out of the woodworks and try to encourage you not to give up. Sigh. Encouragement doesn't pay the bills.

Maybe I'm just stupid, but I honestly thought that when I said it was time to take care of me- seven books is enough. I need to make sure I'm healthy and that I can sleep and cross things off my bucket list, everyone would encourage me. Turns out the only people down for the cause were people who already supported me and I had to legit defend how I have zero energy to keep doing this and sacrificing my own life for it to everyone else. I'm almost forty. Is it too much to actually want to live life and not just coast on through it?

I guess like most artist I'm disenchanted by the whole thing. So many people dish out words of congratulations and keep up the good work and so on but can't do something as simple and noncommittal as like and share a FB post. Or even leave a comment just to give it some popularity in the feed. Seriously all of those are free. After almost fifteen years of begging, bathroom cries, stalking my posts to see if anyone shared them but me, stalking my books on Amazon to see if anyone bought them. Sacrificing at least two hours a day to just sit behind my phone and, share--pick group--share--repeat, on Facebook and, share--select more--choose group--choose specific section in group--share--repeat, for google, stalking book review blogs all day everyday and submitting all my books (no one ever says yes until this year and still under ten, none have come through and been posted yet but at least I know one book will have reviews this year.) and basically selling my soul for this it's disheartening that instead of people being down for the cause of bettering myself everyone is rooting for me to sink further in this depressive cycle with each book yielding no results. If I could wave my magic wand and turn ever congratulations and word of encouragement into an actual sale then I'd be on to something.

And most importantly people actually get mad that I'm mad that I have to defend my own decisions. My own choice to feel better about myself as a human being. To work on me. Honestly, sometimes you want to say to everyone who is doing insanely better than you in life what are they willing to give up to reach their dreams because they are all encouragement and keep on doing the do but you have done the do, and they haven't, so why don't they do the do. I mean if it's so important to follow your dreams and all. Why are you making me feel bad for as they say 'giving up'. As far as I'm concerned I wrote seven books, made one five song LP, wrote and entire albeit unscored musical (still praying someone wants to take scoring this thing on), more than a hundred poems, dozens of blog posts and book reviews and here I am now with my second post branching off with my second post as a writer on a medium not of my own creation. I did the do, I'm moving on and I've EARNED the right to not publish another book if I don't want to. Want to encourage me, buy my stuff. Sales and interest will get my attention otherwise, I got a review blog to get back on track, poems to write, and more blogs for this website to type. None of which will make me money and that makes me infinitely more happy and fulfilled than begging people to support me.

And I've definitely earned the right to respond with, if you did not share, like, comment, or purchase any of my material you haven't earned the right to tell me I can't quit. That's rather presumptuous of you and your opinion is invalid.

All that to say it's August and I"m finally writing like the writer that benefits my soul. I have so many books on my Kindle I'm good for book reviews into the next millennium, and I'm making youtube vids. Next one to drop in about two to three weeks. And I couldn't feel any better. Just one step in eliminating the stress that holds back a happier me. I'd like to say I miss it, because creating is so much fun. The truth is, it's forty minutes out from lunch right now. I have enough time to type two more post read about half a book, and it's a holiday for two days this week so I could finish two books maybe and write two book reviews. I'm doing just fine and I definitely have no regrets or any hurt feelings if people don't like my attitude about my experience of being an author for my entire adult life. This is a new, happy, I already suffer from depression and don't need your negative energy affecting that--me. And I'm liking this guy. Blunt, bitter, jaded depressed, anxious and all. This guy rocks. And maybe the world will realise this one day.

It took me 35 years to accept my rockstarness, but better late than never.