"My Fallen Angel"

On July 15, 2016, it will have been 11 years that my brother Rashad Armour left this earth. To say that time heals all wounds is not a truthful statement for me. It has not healed any wounds. I was 12 years old when he passed. At that time I was not able to fully process what was happening. I was trying to be "strong" for my mom, even though, looking back, I did not know how to do that at 12 years old. Now at 23 years old, it feels like he just passed last week instead of almost 11 years ago. I have cried myself to sleep and gotten more sad over the past few years then I did when it first happened.

There have been some major things that have happened in the past 11 years that my brother was not physically here for. I entered and graduated high school. I entered and graduated from community college with an associate's degree. I entered and am in the process of trying to receive my bachelor of science degree. Many things happening with my mom and her health have also occurred, and I have taken them on the best I could with the amount of strength that I could muster up. I wish my brother was here to help me. I wish he was here to let me vent and cry to him when I am so frustrated and stressed that I do not know what else to do.

There have been so many times where I cry for no reason. And no one knows, not even my mom. From her being sick in the past and my brother passing, I have somehow learned to be "strong" and keep on moving. But I can definitely say I have so many weak moments. I start to cry out of nowhere sometimes, and my mood goes down and I do not know the reason why, except the mere fact that I miss my brother so much.

There is nothing in the world that I would not give to talk to him or hug him one more time. I have felt his spirit so many times. But I want to hear his laugh. I want to see him doing the dance he always did to every song. He means the world to me. I think I will forever have a void in my heart for him. I just pray that in the future I am able to deal with it better, since I feel like I am grieving like his death just happened.

Around other people I can sometimes have conversations about him and be OK without getting emotional. However, there are times when I feel myself stuttering and about to cry, so I have to cut the conversation short. When I am by myself is when I let all the emotions go and weep until my eyes are tired from crying. A large piece of who I am is forever gone with him, and I have to find strength and peace from knowing his spirit lives on and he looks down on me every day.

"There is no other love like the love for a brother. There is no other love like the love from a brother." -- Astrid Alauda