Often I find myself remembering moments when I’m with my friends and we’re living the type of life that is portrayed in 70’s and 80’s movies with teenagers misbehaving and going down ramps in shopping carts with the Pixies playing in the background. Sometimes these things have really happened to me and sometimes my mind makes them up or exaggerates the truth. The fact that life is out there and some days we neglect it to play video games or watch a rerun episode of a TV show makes me kind of sick to my stomach. Leaving the house every chance I get is something I have adapted as a lifestyle for me. I wish that I could film the daydreams I have and publish them. I wish I could write down exactly what happens. Hopefully when I die, there will be videos of my best and most youthful moments being played for me in either Heaven or Hell.
There were about three years where I denied God and the entire concept of Heaven and Hell. I thought that if I had no faith, no God to impress and no morals to live for that I would have more fun. At times, I thought that my conspiracy was true. I thought that by being rebellious and rejecting was making me happier and ‘cooler’. After what I could refer to as a “Series of Unfortunate Events” I found God and i quenched myself in faith I had long ago lost and desired. During my breakup with God, the Pixies lost their sound and riding shopping carts down ramps just wasn’t exciting or entertaining anymore. Without God my antichrist soundtracks were too loud and my exclusion from holding hands during Thanksgiving dinner prayer left me cold and deserted. Without God, I had lost my rebellion. When I didn’t have something or someone to defy, I had nothing at all.
At this point in my life, I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. My parents were probably really uncomfortable and scared of and for me. At the time I was very uncontrollable and lost with zero intentions of trying to find myself. It is still blurry in my memory, but from what I do remember is the exact moment that I regained my faith. It was over the summer at Mayfair Bible Church during Teen Week. I was there with my boyfriend, his sister and her two friends. We were sitting in a circle, just the girls from ninth grade and above. We were talking about the Bible story where a woman is caught in the act of adultery and dragged into the town to Jesus, cold and naked. The people wanted to stone her but the disciples asked Jesus what to do. He sat there in the sand and the dirt, drawing into the ground with his hands, saying nothing. At last he spoke, saying that whomever has never sinned or done wrong may be the first to throw a stone at the woman, but anyone else shall go home. One by one the townspeople began to leave.
That’s when it happened, that’s when I found God. Jesus himself had sinned. Everyone sins, but to be forgiven and to be loved without mercy or denial is one of the most pure and beautiful feelings I have ever felt. I think I needed that, my breakup with God. I needed to know how it felt to be cold and lost so that I could be grateful and more accepting of the love and warmth that I am given and shown. It’s okay to lose faith for a while. The important thing is to remember to come back. Never give up on God. Never forget those who fought for you even when you did not want to fight for yourself. There is always a reason to keep surviving.
“Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created”
Esther 4:14
