My brain's constant negativity has been creating hardships for me over the course of my young adult life. Since moving to college, the voices have only become louder. I can't say I've gotten used to them, but I am learning to live with them. What else are you supposed to do?
1. "Are they looking at me? Am I not blending?"
During my first days in my new city, all I wanted to do was blend in. I woke up and looked in the mirror. I was faced with the task of doing my hair, but not looking like I tried too hard. I had to do my makeup so I would be pretty, but not so much that it looked like I was wearing too much. Then came the outfit. The subtle difference between not showing enough skin and showing too much, or dressing up and looking like I don't care about my appearance. My brain never stopped asking, "are they looking at me?"
2. "Why are you so picky? They probably think you are weird."
After I got ready, it was time to get food. Getting on the elevator, I hope that I am joined by no one. I get to the cafeteria and stand in line. I try to stand straight, but not like I am overly confident. As I approach the food, I notice I want my pasta plain. "If you do that they will think you are weird," my brain tells me, so I get the sauce. I even add the identical sides to the boy in front of me, to ensure normalcy. I take my food back to my room, set it aside, and make a peanut butter sandwich instead.
3. "You shouldn't go in there, you would embarrass yourself."
After a while of sitting in my room, I want to get a workout in. I grab headphones, to help me avoid any confrontation, and my water bottle. I walk towards the gym and look into the big glass walls. "You shouldn't go in there, you would embarrass yourself," my brain tells me. Instead, I walk to my car and drive to a trail where I can run, alone, and away from everyone.
4. "Do they actually need me, or do they just need me for now?"
When I get back, I get a call from a friend, at least I think they are my friend. I can't tell if they talk to me because they need help, or because they genuinely want to. I have been a crutch before, and once you are done with those you get rid of them. "He won't need you once he finds other help." This thought holds me back from trusting. I can't become too close, or they will leave, they always do.
5. "Just go to sleep."
I change into my sweats and lay down in my bed when I feel that there is nothing else I can do. After an exhausting day of constant confrontations with my personal devil, all I want is sleep. Closing my eyes, I try to complete the chapter that I call my day. My mind keeps going, but after a while, its yells turn to whispers and I am finally at rest.
If your mind talks to you, in the ways mine do, remember you are not alone. The things you are self-conscious about, others are too. Living with the devil on your shoulder is not easy, but with enough willpower, we can all get through it.
Energetic dance performance under the spotlight.
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Taylor Swift shines on stage in a sparkling outfit and boots.
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