When the time came to make a college decision in April of senior year, I was devastated to find out that my boyfriend of two years had decided to take a gap year instead of going straight to college like me. Just as everyone else had done, he went through the process of applying to colleges. He received several acceptances, but ultimately decided to defer for a year and instead volunteer for the AmeriCorps program, City Year. This would entail moving to NYC and working with children in an inner-city middle school.
I didn't understand his choice at all---it had always been so ingrained in me that after high school, we're supposed to attend higher education. I had selfishly thought that him and me could experience all of the newness of college together, albeit attending separate schools. We would both move into a dorm, make new friends, and attend college classes, all the while reveling in these exciting experiences together. He's one of my best friends, and as someone who is extremely resistant to change, I didn't want to go through this huge life experience without him.
On top of those feelings of confusion, my jealousy kicked in. Through City Year, he was going to have the opportunity to live in New York City---one of mine and his favorite places. He was going to rent an apartment in Manhattan, work a side job in Rockefeller Center, and meet tons of fascinating people. Taking a gap year would also allow him to bulk up his resume, and give him time to reapply to colleges for the following school year. I was resentful---I would have loved to live in Manhattan for a year, and then, taking what I had learned the first time around, have a second chance at applying to college; I think everyone would've liked to have that opportunity.
So, I was jealous. I was hurt. I was angry that the plan I had developed in my head for our college life wasn't going my way. By nature I'm sentimental---I ugly-cry whenever one of my favorite TV shows goes off air. My feelings are intense---I feel things very deeply, and I'm the type of person who is heartbroken when winter turns into spring. My entire plan for the future changed, and I was unwilling to cope.
My first year of college is coming to an end and City Year will be wrapping up within the next couple of months. Regarding my outlook on his gap year---I've done a complete 180.
Recently, I realized that throughout the whole college-selection process my suburban public high school rarely openly discussed other options. It was simply assumed that everyone would go straight to college, even though community college, the military, the workforce, and volunteer gap-years are all viable options. This may have been why I had initially reacted so strongly to my boyfriend taking a gap year---it had never even occurred to me to take a year off before college, so my shock translated into anger when he made his decision. I am now a firm believer that high schools should educate students on ALL of the options following graduation. For many people, going straight to college is not the best option, and even if high school students are aware that gap years exist, the concept seems far too abstract for most to pursue. High schools need to do a better job of not only talking about gap years, and other post-graduation options, but providing information on different programs that students can consider.
In the beginning of his gap year, my boyfriend was, for lack of a better term, pessimistic. He would've called himself a realist. The initial enthusiasm he had going into the program quickly turned to disenchantment once City Year was underway. During the first couple of months, he constantly complained about the time he felt he was wasting playing ice-breaker games, talking about feelings with Corps Members, and attending seminars about things he frankly just did not care about. He hated having group meetings each week because of how poorly run he felt they were. He built up a lot of resentment towards his teammates, which kept him from fostering friendships. On top of this, most of the other members were much older than him, since most people join this program after graduating college. This upset him; it made him realize how young and naïve he was---emotions he was not used to having.
However, he gradually started coming into his own. He applied to be on the Corps Council, a board of members who would meet monthly to discuss and improve the program---he was accepted. He applied for a leadership conference in Boston, and was one of the eight City Year New York members chosen. He earned lots of responsibilities at the middle school he was working for, and he didn't let his relatively young age get in the way. Each of these wins boosted his confidence and ultimately encouraged him to have a far more positive outlook. He would still call himself a realist, but if anything he’s a happier realist.
Beginning this program, he also had a difficult time expressing emotion. He was uncomfortable with sadness and sought to solve his (and our) problems through logic. We used to bicker, and in those moments all I wanted was to be hugged and told that I'm loved. Instead, he would try to get down to the root of my irritation, and then find solutions. This would just make me feel like I was being psycho-analyzed and I didn't like it one bit. Through his gap here, he learned that many problems don't need a logical solution, but rather a validation of feelings and a show of empathy. This has strengthened not only our relationship, but also his relationship with friends and family.
It's a truly amazing thing when you can see someone you love growing and developing right before your eyes. City Year, and programs like it, have so many merits. My boyfriend learned how to live in a city without his parents for support. He learned how to pay bills, go grocery shopping, and (this, he's the most proud of) he learned to cook well. He was exposed to diverse cultures, and a much different social class of individuals than he had ever encountered before. His stance on social and economic issues matured, and the feeling of improving many individuals' lives was immeasurable. Above all, his introspection allowed him to develop into an amazing leader, and an overall happier version of himself.
In terms of our relationship, we both learned how to tackle separation. The limited time we have to spend together has actually made our bond stronger. We no longer bicker over insignificant things; we're too busy appreciating the time we do have together. We've also learned that a relationship is not based off of seeing the other person every single day, nor is it focused on the physical aspect. While those are important parts of any relationship, long-distance works because we are still each other's number one support system. Our significant other is still the first person we want to tell about our day, and the first person we go to when we're down. He is still that person to me, even though I'm in Massachusetts and he's in New York.
In life, things happen for a reason. If you had told me a year ago how beneficial this gap year would be for him, and for me, I would have been doubtful to say the least. But as it is, I could not be more thankful that my boyfriend has had this incredible life opportunity. I've learned just how important it is to keep an open mind about life's path; a diversion from the norm could end up being one of the most integral experiences in becoming the kind of person you aspire to be.
