I recently read an article listing the 5 most common regrets people have right before they die. The list contained very vague, but powerful items, such as “I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”, and “I wish I had let myself be happier”. Without having lived an exceptional amount of years this planet, I wasn’t able to relate to many of the regrets. However, the article did get me thinking about what myown regrets were. What will people say about me after I die? What do I wish I would have done differently? And so, without further ado…
Biography
From an outside perspective, Shayla O’Leary was an anomaly. A genius mind trapped in a prison of anxiety, she plunged deeper into her own consciousness the harder she tried to escape it. Literally burning out in a fiery crash, the world couldn’t have expected her to go out any other way.
The problem wasn’t that she was different – rather, that was her gift. The problem was she never understood how to embrace her uniqueness. Even though the few people she allowed close to her found her quirkiness to be hilarious and freeing, it seemed she rarely saw it as such. Suppressing her true character, as it would with any of us, caused far greater stress than expressing it.
Jan 21, 2013, 3:15 PM – text message
“please save me from this town”
With so much creative potential, it always surprised me that she never left her hometown. The world was more her oyster than anyone I knew from that city, and she was late in discovering this. Even when she finally understood how easily she could escape, she seemed to relapse into doubt for no apparent reason. Perhaps her immediate support lacked encouraging words.
Feb 3, 2013, 4:00 AM – text message
“what if you were awake”
No one else could plant an idea in your head in such a way that made you see the most unexpected side of an event. Far surpassing the standard “u up?” drunken text, Shayla could open a world in your mind by simply allowing you to glimpse into hers – a rare gesture only those who knew the true Shayla received. However, suiting to her character, it would later seem that the true Shayla was different than she realized. It turned out that even from an inside perspective, she was an anomaly.
-Noah Jeffrey
Personal Regrets
1. I wish I wouldn’t have gone through that bleaching phase.
It was 2012 and ombre’s were all the rage. I brought home a bleaching kit from Target and eagerly dumped all of it’s contents onto my bathroom counter. I had watched about 5 “DIY OMBRE HAIR UR FRIENDS WON’T BELIEVE YOU DID YOURSELF” videos on YouTube, so I was feeling pretty confident in my ability to bleach hair. Until I took out the tinfoil to reveal what looked like a wet tabby cat clinging to my scalp.
I figured I would need to bleach it a few more times to get it to the blonde I had desired. The orange hair looked idiotic next to my olive Italian skin, but I didn’t let it get to me. I only waited a week before getting another bleach kit.
This time when I took the tinfoil out, my ends were a very light blonde, a color I was alright with. However, they were the consistency of a slimy rag, and over the next month my hair gradually fell off until I knew I needed to go get it professionally done. I’m still waiting for it to grow back to it’s regular length.
2. I wish I would have studied harder when I was in high school.
History has always been my least favorite subject. It should have been so easy; dates and numbers have always been easy for me to remember. I can still remember each of my childhood friends’ birthdates and home phone numbers, yet I can’t give you an example of a single thing that I learned in any of my history courses.
When I was in high school, I didn’t even attempt to learn about history. I was too busy sitting in the back of the class designing potential tattoos I would get when I finally turned 18.
We were allowed to bring a recipe card to each test that we pre-filled with barely legible notes from the previous weeks, and I copied every worksheet from the girl that sat beside me, whose birthdate and home phone number I could absolutely still recite to you.
I regret not willing myself to pay attention. I wish that I knew how important it would be to me in the future to want to learn history, to long to understand the past.
3. I wish I wasn’t so obsessed with my weight.
I was never self-conscious about my weight until one of my friends described me as “Not fat, but definitely not skinny.” Definitely not skinny echoed through my mind as I became obsessed with comparing my body to other girls’. I began to feel guilty for eating, and I was suddenly embarrassed that I didn’t fit into size “small” clothing.
I took a Sharpie home from work one day and marked the parts of my body that I wanted to change. “Too chubby” across my stomach. “Not strong enough” across my arms. I glanced in the mirror and saw what looked to be a patient about to get plastic surgery.
Five years and one-hundred pounds later, I wish I would have embraced how I looked in my youth. I wasted my days obsessing over something that didn’t need to change instead of enjoying my time spent with friends that I haven’t been able to catch up with for years.
4. I wish I could take back all the hurtful things I said to seem cool. I’m sorry.
I often wonder if I was a bully when I was in high school. Videos and photographs of bullied children appear in my newsfeed, and I sympathize for them. I’ve never felt the need to hug someone more than a hurt or frightened child. Then the fear grows over me. Was I a bully?
Although I never physically harmed any of my friends or classmates, I undoubtedly made jokes at other peoples’ expense. I said mean things that got my friends to laugh, and I pushed away the guilt because I thought it made me seem popular.
If you are reading this, and I hurt you in any way, I'm so sorry for using you like that. And I'm so sorry it has taken me all of this time to apologize.
5. I wish I would have kissed you when I had the chance.
Whenever I wanted to tell someone how I felt, I would bite my tongue instead. That time outside my house when I was too afraid to touch you, so I jumped off my bike and yelled, “It’s been real!” And then you left for the summer.
Once when you pushed my hair out of my face and admitted you wanted to kiss me even though you had a girlfriend, and I whispered “I won’t tell”, and you started to blush.
Or that winter when you pulled me on my ice-skates all the way down the coulee, and we screamed under the railroad as that train went over our heads.
And lastly, in our spot on the grass, which you claimed to be magic, you smiled, and I wished you would admit that you loved me.
