I have a horrible attitude. Seriously, it is the worst. I argue, I like things my way, and I act like I don't care about anything. Of course, all of that is a big front. I actually care. A lot. About everything. And everyone. And let me be the first to tell you that it freaking sucks. I have a really big heart. Like, my heart is what the Grinch's heart looked like when it grew three sizes. This isn't to sound cocky or to get some kind of recognition for being a good person, because that really is not the case. The thing is, it is really hard for people to understand me and why I hang on to people. I promise you, it isn't by choice.
The first time I learned that I love too much for my own good is when I was with my high school boyfriend. For those of you that read my posts, you know about him, all too well. For those of you who don't, he was that one that took forever to get over, and the one who hurt the most. Basically, he was your modern day f*** boy with a dash of sociopath. I dated him for years. Even though it took me FOREVER to finally walk away, it was one of the hardest things I have had to do in my life. Do I think it was because I was attached because he was my first love? Maybe a little bit. But the main reason I couldn't let go is because when I love, I love unconditionally.
There was nothing that he could do bad enough to make me not love him, which sucked. You see, I look past everyones flaws and see the best in people and love them for their best which automatically in return makes me love them for their flaws, no matter how big.
I don't really know if I was born with a big heart or it is something I acquired from experiences. But I feel like I might be stuck with it. Loving unconditionally is very cliché, I will be the first to admit it. And I hate it. But it is something I really have no control over. I've tried sure, but its a rabbit hole. I think the worst part about having a big heart is other people knowing I have a big heart. No, I don't have a problem with people knowing that I care about people. But all of life is a game, wether or not you want to admit it, that is your call. Having a big heart is like having showing all your cards in poker. People are going to take advantage of it to get what they want. It really sucks because you expect everyone to have the same heart and care the same and have the same intentions as you. But that just don't.
I think what I have learned most about having a big heart is that I am a little more emotional than most people I know. I don't cry at the drop of the hat, or even really in front of people. I kind of just keep it to myself. It's kind of like when you see someone puke and you want to puke? Well, when I see someone cry, I wanna cry. Not because it is contagious, but I hate other people in pain more than should.
I also haven't mastered the Head vs. Heart battle. Most people have the ongoing battle with themselves about following their heart vs. listening to what their head is saying. My problem is that 100% my heart always wins. No matter how many reasons I have to listen to head, it is really a battle that I can't even fight.
I know what you are thinking. "Leanna, if they don't deserved to be loved, why love them." And thats where this becomes a blessing. As much as sometimes it pains me to have a big heart, I can not only say that I don't give up on people (especially the ones who really need someone not to give up) and that I gave it 110% my all in people.
Our job is to love without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy enough.
As people, we have to love. It is part of our design. And sure, some people are harder to love than others. But I am lucky, because I never have to learn to love, I just do as second nature. And for that, It is my best quality.
