My anxiety is a monster, sometimes. It got especially bad right after my breakup a couple of months ago. It felt like my life had no purpose, that where I was supposed to be wasn't ever where I was going to end up. That's how I've felt for most of my life actually, like the purpose could be there temporarily but then other things come up in my life and remind me that my pain exists.
It feels like the inner walls of my body are breaking down with acid.
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The synapses in my brain fire off at an alarming rate as I think about what my future holds. Each bone in my body fractures at the sound of another man disappointing me. There are many things that set me off nowadays. Every day is a battle for me, where my anxiety lives in the shadows, always there, always creeping around the corner waiting to set me off. These attacks usually begin with a thought, how something could never happen for me or what may end up happening. Then I can feel the pressure, it builds in my chest until I can feel my heart almost beating right out of my chest.
The feeling of loneliness keeps me from enjoying anything that could possibly be happy in my life.
It crushes my insides and turns them inside out as I think about what pains me. This pain can only be subsided by me crying enough or by talking to anyone who will listen. It sometimes feels like I'm dying inside and no one can hear my screams because they are silent.
I could have all the money and objects in the world, but even then anxiety would tear me apart because money can't buy long-term happiness. It may temporarily fix the problems in your life but it is what you are left with at the end of the day that matters. God only knows I wished that I had money to dissolve the feelings inside my head but even then I felt like the world wasn't going to get better because I had it. Sure, money could pay for good therapy and doctors to treat you, but doesn't it seem like if the rich could pay for all that, that there would be a cure?
Back to when I was talking about the breakup, it was difficult not to cringe every time someone would ask me why I'm not with him or what happened to us. I felt guilty in a sense that I was the one to break up with him like I had somehow caused my own anxiety to fluster and he was left with someone new. I have now realized that was a stupid thought I had put in my head. My happiness came from the release I felt when I left him.
My advice is to let your anxious thoughts be known when you feel them creeping up.
There will always be someone there to listen and to understand somewhat of what you are going through. Realize that anxiety is a monster that invades all of our bodies and some people are better at hiding theirs than others. It is okay to feel anxiety. It is something that we battle every single day and we must be able to get through it somehow, I mean that's how all of us are here right now, living life and trying our best to not let it get the best of us.
