Yes, I have anxiety.
Yes, I struggle with depression.
And yes, I have struggled with suicidal thoughts in the past.But please, don't look at me differently now. None of these things makes me any less of a person.
Generally I am the type of person that doesn't want others to know what I am struggling with mental illness, even though I know that I need to talk to someone about this. However, our society has dictated that talking about such mental illnesses are not acceptable. And that stigma needs to go away.
Because the truth is, when we don't talk about it, that's when it does more harm than good. And that's what I'm trying to fix for even myself. It's always difficult to swallow the pride and ask for help, but when it will save your life, don't be afraid to reach out.
As a stage manager in theatre, I was trained from the moment I walk into the theatre or rehearsal room, all other feelings are checked at the door, and for the next three and a half hours, I'm happy and cheerful for my cast. It's a good rule to have even outside of theatre. To them my main concern is making sure they're upbeat and ready to get ton work. And I love what I do. I try my best to always put on a smile, but recently I have found myself shaking during rehearsal, not being able to control my anxiety like I used to.
I'm not perfect, no one is. But I am still the independent 21 year-old with big dreams, just sometimes, that person gets pushed aside by my anxiety or depression.
None of this is easy to say and I have always found it easier to write my feelings than it is to speak them out loud. I've always wondered what everyone would think of me when they found out the truth behind the mask.
Thankfully my college, and probably most colleges, offer free counseling services to their students. These services are a necessity and help tremendously. Soon, I plan on going, because living like this with my mental illness controling me is not how I want to live. I want to be able to breathe again. I want to be myself.
