It has been almost two years since I first sought help from a therapist, a psychiatrist and medicine. They have helped me greatly, and I was able to accomplished many things. It is still ongoing in my journey. However, like all journeys, at some point, you will hit a couple of bumps and obstacles that either stop you or cause some disadvantages and damages. That is where I am at right now, as of 14th of May.

I am going to come clean. It may sound stupid, and I'm sorry, but this is how I think it is.

The weekend before, I went to visit a close friend to hang out and have fun. We did many things, and at the same time, I was able to explore new aspects. However, going back to the bus on the last day to head back to home, I suddenly felt an overwhelming emotion attacking me. I started tearing up a bit, but I did my best to prevent it since I was in a public setting.

That's when I realized I still had feelings for her. For more than four years. There were times when I had some crushes with other people, but I feel like deep down, there is a place for her inside my head and heart.

The Background

I met her during second year in high school, and I automatically wanted to be her friend. Eventually, it developed into a small crush, but I was a shy little boy. I did not start talking to her until the next year, and we got closer senior year of high school.

I decided to confess to her, and... so I did. She did not give me an answer right away until next week.

[At this point of me writing this article, I really don't like to bring this situation up, and she does not like it either, but for the sake of telling the background, I will, but in short details. Not many people know who I am talking about.]

In my point of view, because of pressure within herself and by others (and other reasons), she said yes. The next day, she retracted. I tried to be selfish, but I eventually understood her. We agreed to acknowledge what had happened, but never bring it up at random times.

Still in my point of view, I understood what had happened, and how it happened. I was not mad. However, at the same time, I could not help but admit that it did feel dirty, how it happened. She knew that, too, and she still feels guilt from what I can feel. I could have left and ended the friendship, but why didn't I?

It is because she just makes me happy. I like being around her. I like playing around her. I like talking about serious stuff with her. Growing a little older, I love her artistic mindset, value, and skills that she possesses. I love her determination to work hard to turn things into reality. I love her attitude towards life. Did I mention she's pretty?

Realizing now, I had incorporated some of her motivation, devotion, and attitude into my mindset, and that's how most of the things I am doing came to be.

It might be confusing to you, and you might think I'm confusing the feeling of inspiration with the feeling of liking someone. I get inspired by her, and I have feelings for her. Being around her makes me happy. The whole fiasco I mentioned in high school made me want to be with her more. But again, in my point of view, I don't think she sees me more than a friend. I don't think she's interested. But being friends is still great.

The Conflict

That's where the current conflict comes in. After having a fun weekend being with her, and leaving afterwards, I felt a sense of terrible detachment from her. It is really unhealthy, too. It just felt like my whole world is crashing. Upon returning home, I finally cried for the first time since June 2015. It's also funny because she knows that I haven't cried for that long since she felt the same way. I missed her a lot. I felt really relaxed being with and around her.

So, how do I get over someone that I had feelings for, lowkey or big, for four years? How do I get over someone who has directly and indirectly been a big part of my life? I try to see her as a friend, but I can't help but feel attached and mentally clingy towards her. I know this sounds extreme, but if I get over her, it would feel like losing a family member.

This is the unhealthy behavior I am facing. All of this that led up to now is the factor that made me sad for more than a week. All of this made my depression meds obsolete to me. I am not eating properly because I am eating less than before. I can't sleep most nights while at the same time, when I do, I sleep too much because I don't like waking up. I can't think straight. I started feeling like I'm a burden to others. I feel really lonely.

However, it doesn't hinder my work and school because those give me a sense of joy and distraction from my inner thoughts. I do not feel suicidal because I want to live to see how far I will go, even if it's painful. Regardless, I am still on the borderline of major depression (according to psychology class, my therapist and my psychiatrist).

To sum up everything I've said, I am heartbroken because of myself and the inability to let go, and because of that, it served as a catalyst to how I am feeling now. My medicine does not do any justice for me, and I also don't want increase it. I don't like relying on them, as stupid as it sounds. I am either too energetic and hyper or very monotonous to people.

The brain is mysterious. I don't know, I'm really stupid. I'm sorry, you all have to listen to me and be worried for someone like me. I'll try to be better.

I got issues...