I am a recovering addict. I have been sober going on three years now. When I was younger, I never would have guessed this is where I would have ended up. I was a straight A student who skipped a grad, and was supposed to do great things (according to my wonderful parents). I did not intentionally become a drug addict, but by my teenage years I was running wild so it doesn’t surprise me either. I began experimenting with drugs and alcohol at a very young age. I told myself I was on a ‘spiritual journey’ to find out what life was all about. Like most teenagers, I was not afraid of anything and when you combine that with drugs you get sheer stupidity. I was taking acid and mushrooms the entire summer of my junior year of high school. The journey soon began to fade as I started getting into harder drugs, and before I knew it I was adult with a full blown addiction. I used whatever drug was around, and the spiritual aspect had dissolved completely. Needless to say my life got messy, and completely unmanageable, more than once. I would pick up and move across the country because I believed it would be better there, but when I got there so were all the issues I was running from. It would take me a month or two for the same destructive habits to surface, and I would find myself going through yet another mess. I would spend days on end just getting high, but telling myself all the while that I was going to do something with my life. Sometimes my addiction would be “under control,” and I would enroll in school or begin a new project, but I would never finish anything because it would not take long until drugs were yet again my main priority.
The craziest thing about the 20 years I spent doing drugs is that not once during at least 15 of them did I want to admit that I had a problem. I had adopted the idea that sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll were what life was about, and no one was going to keep me from that. My theme song should have been Amy Winehouse’s ‘Rehab,’ because I was definitely not in need of that. I thought that the people that went to rehab were the ones who just couldn’t handle their drugs (like I could).
The first time I got help it was forced upon me, and the entire time I felt like a victim of some serious injustice that was inflicted upon me. I counted the days until I could use again. I thought I didn’t belong there because no way was I an addict. I could quit whenever I wanted to. I just didn’t want to. I began using the day I was released from the program, and within a year I was back to the same thing. I was an absolute mess, and I was the only one who couldn’t see it. It didn’t take long until I got into a trouble, and was again forced to sober up. Only this time was different because I realized I could not sober up on my own. I wanted to quit, but I was not able to. I thought I was going to have to kill myself to get sober. This was an eye opening experience. I finally realized the hold that drugs had on me, and I wanted to change. I wanted all of the messes I kept creating to end. Years of denial came crashing in, and I could no longer deny, I had a problem. I put myself in the same program that I had tried two years before, and this time it changed my life.
Addiction stays alive through stories that we tell ourselves, reasons that we need drugs to live and breathe. I had made up some whoppers to keep my addiction going. Recovery has been filled with days upon days of me busting myself in lie after lie to get down to the truth that, I do not need drugs to live my life. This was hard for me to swallow because somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that I did. I was certain that drugs would always be a part of my life.
Living as an addict can be fun, exciting, and alluring. The lifestyle itself can be addicting, but when we get honest with ourselves it is a simply miserable existence. Anything that really matters is nowhere in sight, and all the behaviors that we think are “fun,” are really just empty and cold. I missed out on raising my eldest son because of addiction, and that is something I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Is recovery easy? No, but you do get better at it. Is recovery possible? Yes, but it is going to take work. Can you do it? Without a doubt, it can be done. I was in all-out junkie mode when I sobered up, and if I can do it anyone can. Will you be able to forgive yourself? Yes, and it will feel amazing! The first year you will love your couch, the second you will get sick of your house, but as you heal internally, by the time you round the third things start to get comfortable and you begin to realize this is the only way to really live.
Start from here, start today, and rewrite your story to have a happy ending. I changed mine, and things are completely different today than they were 3 years ago. I am almost finished with my first degree, and have plans to work with teenagers who are at risk of taking the same path I did. Writing is enabling me to be open about where I have been, and it is my hope to inspire others by sharing my story. I can only say, to those of you still struggling, that it is never too late to start over. The work you have to put in to get and stay sober is worth it. It just takes time.
