This past June was especially taxing for me. Judging from the title of this post, can you guess why? No, worries if you can’t!

This past June was LGBTQ Pride Month, as proclaimed by President Obama for the last time in of his presidency.

I'll miss you, Mr. President!

June was also Ramadan, the ninth month of the Islamic calendar and when Muslim practice fasting from sunrise to sundown. It’s a time for remembering and praising God, asking for forgiveness, fasting and basically being on your best behavior. Arguably, Ramadan is the most important time of the year for a practicing Muslim. The same goes for Pride. The month of June, and the subsequent Pride events, is arguably the most important time in a young gay’s year.

Quick digression, Pride events have received a lot of shit (for lack of a better word) for some of the festivities and who they allow/ celebrate in the parades and events. While Pride events and movements may have their issues, Pride parades all over the country allow for young queer people to revel in their communities and identities. The parades are an afternoon escape from a life that can be more trying and difficult because of who we are. Yes, Pride is problematic but it’s one of the few days and places where everyone can come and celebrate being queer!! OK, end of the digression.

As a Muslim and queer kid, I had a bit of an issue balancing my priorities this past month. Ramadan is a time where Muslims try their best to abstain from haram (or ‘unlawful’ in Arabic) acts. We remember and praise God, perform prayer and good deeds in hopes of pleasing God and solidifying our place in Jannah ( or "paradise"). I was tasked with finding the balance between pleasing God and being as authentic as possible. While we are expected to put our worldly desires on hold for the month of Ramadan (yes, that includes sex), I refused to put my queerness on hold. If you’re wondering, yes, I did fast while at Capital Pride.

Beyond my own issues, tragedy struck the LGBTQ community on June 12. 49 lives were taken and dozens more affected as a gunman opened fire in Pulse, a gay club in Orlando, Florida. (Also, I don’t want to erase the fact that it was Latin night at Pulse and most victims and survivors were Latinx/ Hispanic.)The shooting affected everyone differently for a plethora of reasons. Within me, it raised questions of self-hate as I was forced to re-examine how I embody Islam and queerness.

I must admit,I don’t have answers yet. In fact, almost a month after the attack, I am still processing my feelings and thoughts. I wonder where my place is in the queer community, as a Muslim person. I also wonder whether or not my religious community is accepting of queerness. I find myself asking if it’s even worth holding onto a religion that requires me to alter myself and question my identity to fit in or be loved. Again, I don’t have the answers and right now, I am ok with that.

Eid Muburak and Happy Pride!