Did you hear that Elon Musk's Boring Company is selling - and already sold out of - flamethrowers? We could ask whether it is "wise" to be equipping 20,000 more people flamethrowers, but that ship has sailed already.
I think the thing that should really be on our minds is what potentially dangerous/unnecessary but also enjoyable and fulfilling product is he going to put out next? I was caught by surprise with the flamethrower. I never knew how much I needed this revelatory product in my life until whammy I got Musk'd.
I WON'T BE MUSK'D AGAIN!
In light of that I have been brainstorming what future militaristic/utilitarian products he might sell next and wanted to share with you my thoughts so that you too will no longer be blindsided by the Musketeer. Here are 5 of the potential next Elon-ventions that are sure to "set the world on fire".
1. Freeze Ray
Elon Musk knows the power of his flamethrower. He also knows one does not simply invent a flamethrower, but that one must also invent a freeze ray to counteract it.
Highly volatile, but also highly versatile, a freeze ray can both stop someone in their tracks and chill the dessert. Look for this one circa early 2019 to give the flamethrower buzz time to die down and for those of the wounded body and pride time to plot their revenge.
2. Solar Powered Grass
What's that? Solar powered grass you say? Isn't that just grass.*cue evil Elon Musk laugh* WRONG!!!
The real genius of Flamethrower Musk is his ability to re-purpose an already invented product to something hip and trendy and also potentially bellicose. A real flame-throwing connoisseur would have known that they could get a flamethrower on Amazon a lot cheaper.
Musk knew that if he created a flamethrower in the shape of a gun then the world would respond. Through next level marketing techniques like "humor" and "zombie apocalypse" he managed to convince us all this is something we want and need.
Solar powered grass isn't just grass. Much like the aforementioned flamethrower, Elon Musk will have re-purposed traditional grass to be bigger and better. This new grass RUNS ON THE SUN. In a world where green is the new black, there is no way this can go wrong and no way it isn't his next big invention.
3. Hydrodynamic Spatula with Port and Starboard Attachments and Turbo Drive
You might be thinking, "wait a minute, this sounds familiar," and that is because IT DOES. In the very first episode of Spongebob, Mr. Krabs tells Spongebob to buy said spatula thinking there is no way he would ever come back with it, but Spongebob does and HE FENDS OFF ALL THE ANCHOVIES.
This spatula was never seen again after that, and we can only surmise that it was too powerful to ever see the light of day again. This power and mystique makes it a perfect candidate for Elon Musk's next invention. Not only can he solve world hunger, but it also offers a way to fend off hordes of fish that may or may not be trying to eat you out of house and home.
4. Laser beam sunglasses
Imagine we live in a world where the above laser beams coming out of your eyes is possible. Okay, now stop imagining that because it is not possible. You know what is possible though? Laser beam sunglasses, and if there was ever anyone who was going to invent them it was going to the Musk Master himself.
Elon knows sunglasses are cool. Elon also knows that laser beams are cool. I can imagine him just thinking, "what would happen if we COMBINED THEM?" Next thing you know you are at work just doing your thing and you get a call from your partner saying, "honey, can you call the insurance agent again? Little Taylor blew up the house again with your LASER BEAM SUNGLASSES!"
You may think this sounds dumb, but Elon knows progress can't and won't be stopped.
5. Iron Man
This is the mother of all fun but also warlike inventions. I respect and I know Mr. Musk respects that Tony Stark didn't hand a joy ride like this over to the government. They just wouldn't know how to use it properly. Protect our assets in the Middle East? Please. Roast marshmallows with hand beams? Finally someone gets.
This is an invention that is only safe in the hands of the people and only capable of being invented by someone like Elon. Some people might say that creating a weapon of this magnitude will stir up quite the controversy, one they might even call Elon-gate.
When has Elon ever been stopped by controversy though? The flamethrowers certainly didn't, and this won't either.
