As I'm writing this, I've got about a week left of summer vacation. By the time you're reading this, I'll probably be on the I-8 East, barreling toward Phoenix, Arizona with my whole life packed into the trunk of a rental car. I've probably got my headphones in, jamming out to the playlist I'm featuring in this article.
As Summer 2019 comes to a close I wanted to take this opportunity to reflect on how monumental these past few months have been for me. It's funny because I say this summer has been monumental, but I didn't even do that much.
I didn't do anything you'd expect a rising junior in college to do during her time off school: I didn't work, I didn't get an internship and I didn't take summer classes to get ahead. I didn't volunteer, solve world hunger, or find a cure for cancer.
This summer was monumental for me because I did absolutely nothing. Because I spent many days either alone in my house, stuck inside an eating disorder clinic, or napping the hours away in my bed, I had ample time to reflect on my life and how I want to improve it moving forward.
I have been pretty vocal about my eating disorder lately, and I don't intend to stop anytime soon. The response I received from my article, "What An Eating Disorder Is Really About" was inspiring and extremely motivational. I didn't expect anybody to comment, share, message me on Instagram, or relate to anything I said, but plenty of people did.
I realized that spreading the word about eating disorders can be a form of accountability for me. If I'm going to write articles about recovery, I need to be recovery-minded myself. And although I can say I am generally a recovery-minded person, sometimes I have bad days. Sometimes I even have bad weeks, where it would be so much easier for me to give up on recovery and go back to my eating-disorder behaviors.
But now that I've got a few articles published about my situation, I can't imagine falling so far back into my ED that I'm no longer a credible source for recovery-minded advocacy. Writing, sharing my story and helping others is a form of therapy for me. I believe that as long as I stay honest with my published words, I'll be able to stay honest with myself.
In addition to writing and sharing my experiences, music is another form of therapy for me. This past summer, sometimes the only thing keeping me from going absolutely insane was my recovery playlist. I made a playlist of songs that either inspired me, motivated me, or just helped me get my anger out, and I listened to it almost every day on my way to my treatment center. If I ever feel myself starting to slip, I go back to this playlist and listen to it from beginning to end.
I'm not saying a playlist is going to magically cure an eating disorder, though I wish it were that simple. If you are struggling, I highly suggest finding yourself a therapist, a dietician and a psychiatrist. I recommend joining support groups, going to therapy, or doing whatever the professionals tell you is appropriate at your level of care. However, anything helps, right? And when I was neck-deep in treatment, sometimes I felt like my recovery playlist was the only thing that understood me.
Here is a list of some songs that helped me with recovery:
1. "The Darker The Weather // The Better The Man" by MISSIO
This is the title track of alternative duo MISSIO's sophomore album, and easily one of my favorite songs released this year. This was actually the song that inspired me to make a recovery playlist because it was the first song I could truly connect to on the grounds of my eating disorder.
Other than the captivating instrumentals that make me feel things, the lyrics are what really strike me each time I listen to this song. The central line, "The darker the weather, the better the man. You can take all you want, but not who I am" used to send shivers down my spine.
That lyric is something I frequently recited to the ED-voice in my head. Because my eating disorder can take me to dark places and take my life away, but there's no way in Hell I'll ever let her take all of who I am. "The Darker The Weather // The Better The Man" is definitely one of my go-to songs to blast when I'm feeling defeated, unmotivated, and as if I'll never get out of the situation I'm in.YouTube
2. "Oh No" by Bring Me The Horizon
When I listen to this song, I always reflect on how deep I let my disorder get. I think about how poorly I treated my body and how much damage I probably did to my organs, bones and my brain. When I listen to this song, I think about how I genuinely thought I wasn't anorexic for months, even though I had professionals demanding that I seek help immediately.
So as you can probably already tell, this song makes me pretty sad. But sometimes being sad is a good thing. Sometimes we need to be sad and process our situations if we want to get out of them. Sometimes the only way I can find the motivation to get better is to reflect on how unhappy I used to be.
In the chorus of "Oh No," lead singer Oliver Sykes sings, "Don't call it a party because it never stops," followed by the line, "Don't tell me you're happy, 'cause this isn't love. So be careful what you wish for."
Those lyrics hit hard because I can relate to them on an astronomical level: Simply put, I should've been careful of what I wished for. Because although I wished to be "healthy," I ended up just driving myself off the deep end.
Additionally, when I was deep in my disorder, I remember telling everybody around me that I was happy. But now that I think back on it, I wasn't happy at all. In fact, deep down, I was absolutely miserable.
I listen to this song when I need to apologize to my body. That way, I can remember how much recovery truly means to me. I like pretending as if Sykes is calling me out on my bullsh*t directly because sometimes I need a third party to tell me how useless my behaviors were. This track is a five-minute rollercoaster of self-reflection, apologies, but still accepting what I've done.
3. "The Truth I'll Never Tell" by As It Is
Off an entire album dedicated to anxiety, depression and opening up the conversation about mental illness, As It Is's "The Truth I'll Never Tell" hits especially hard when it comes to my eating disorder. This song motivates me to get better because it reminds me of all the people I let down and pushed away because of my illness.
I was so afraid to admit I needed help that I just suppressed it all, and that came with distancing myself from everyone in my life. I stayed inside my shell for a long time because I couldn't bait the thought of giving up my eating disorder for anybody else.
I skipped out on plans with friends, I'd lie to my roommate about not going to the gym (sorry Emmie), and it even got to the point where my parents couldn't trust me to live on my own anymore. I pushed away my family, my friends, my first real relationship, and even myself, all because I wanted to protect my eating disorder.
I want to apologize to all of them. And if I could make my apology into a song, it would be this one. Mental illnesses don't just affect the individual, but everyone else around them. Though this was all technically a "me" problem, I feel horrible for wrapping my peers up into it as well. I hope to make it up to them all someday.
4. "Elevated" by State Champs
In addition to sadness, my eating disorder fueled me with anger and frustration almost every day. And sometimes, all I needed to cure it was a good screaming-session in my car. State Champs's "Elevated" was one of the many chaotic songs I'd blast in my car whenever I needed to get my anger out. Whether I was angry at my parents, my therapist, or even myself, I made sure everyone around me knew I was pissed. With my windows down and the volume turned up to a maximum level, I'd shout the lyrics to this song at the top of my lungs without a care in the world.
Sometimes being angry is fun. Sometimes I liked being pissed off because it allowed me to express an emotion other than sadness and defeat. And I felt like expressing my anger with music was probably the safest way I could express it.
My therapist called this a form of "alternate rebellion," which is a skill I learned to combat eating-disorder behaviors. For example, an extreme form of alternate rebellion would be going out and getting a nose-piercing, because it would be a means of doing something "wild" and "out of my comfort zone" without using an eating disorder behavior.
Alternate rebellion tactics can also be used as a form of distraction. Since my parents wouldn't let me get a nose-piercing, blasting angry State Champs in my car was my way of being "rebellious." Whenever I was pissed off, my therapist would encourage me to play my emo music so loud in my car that the whole freeway could hear it. Just so I could feel obnoxious instead of depressed.
"Elevated" is a whole song centered around growth, overcoming adversity and keeping your head above water. It makes me feel a little less alone, and for that, I'm very grateful the song exists.
5. "Creature Comfort" by Arcade Fire
I'll start this off with a trigger warning, because this song doesn't hold back. Some of the lyrics are pretty blunt about touchy subjects like self-harm and suicide. Even though I'm not one to get triggered by song lyrics, in case you are, I'd listen at your own risk.
That being said, I feel like the lyrics are very relatable and why I love this song so much. There are lines about girls hating their bodies when they stand in the mirror and kids feeling abandoned and alone. The line in the chorus, "On and on, I don't know what I want. On and on, I don't know if I want it," is one I find myself singing out loud whenever I'm listening to this song.
A huge part of my own recovery was deciding whether it was something I truly wanted. There was a time where I couldn't imagine a life without my eating disorder. Today I can, and I want to get to that point, but sometimes I still find myself slipping back into my old mindset. It's like there's an on-and-off button in my head that determines whether I want to get better or not. It switches pretty frequently. On and on, I don't know if I want it.
"Creature Comfort" is exactly what the title of the song says it is. It's comforting to hear a band sing the words I've been thinking in my head. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only girl in the world who hates their body when looking in the mirror. It feels like Arcade Fire stole my diary and made my entries into a song. I highly recommend it if you're looking for a tune that'll make you feel a little less alone, and a little bit more understood.
6. "All These Things That I've Done" by The Killers
Besides this song just being a banging tune on its own, "All These Things That I've Done" has a similar effect on me as "Creature Comfort."
The song is sad at some points, upbeat at another, and emotionally powerful toward the end. Sometimes the music in a song is what makes us feel things, not just the lyrics. I think this song is a great example of that. When I listen to this song, I just feel calm and understood for once.
Most importantly, this song is a reminder to me that it's OK to ask for help. Although I didn't believe I needed help last year, getting it was probably the best decision I could've made. The moment I decided I needed help was the moment I decided to keep myself alive.
"All These Things That I've Done" comforts me, calms me down and, as the title suggests, helps me accept all the things that I've done. I've made some stupid decisions since my eating disorder started, and the first step I had to take in bettering myself was accepting that I made them. My biggest goal going back to school is not making those mistakes ever again.
7. "Kamikaze" by WALK THE MOON
Not only is "Kamikaze" a great song to listen to when I'm generally hot and bothered, but its outlandish lyrics give me a different perspective on my eating disorder.
When lead singer Nicholas Petricca sings the egotistical-yet-self-deprecating line, "Stepping out of body, no matter what you call it, I'm a kamikaze ... you can tell everybody, mama I'm a kamikaze" I find it comforting in the most twisted way.
This is an interesting pick to put in my playlist because it's the song that makes me feel proud of who I am. I wouldn't say I'm proud to have an eating disorder, but I also wouldn't say I'm not NOT proud. Does that make any sense?
This song helps me accept the fact that sometimes, I am a lot to deal with. Sometimes my illness gets the best of me and I turn into the most irritable and snarky b*tch you could ever meet. I have days where I do what I'm told and follow my meal plan, but I also have days where I cut corners and tell my treatment team they're all a bunch of idiots.
Because of my disorder, in a way, I'm kind of a like a kamikaze. No matter where I am in my recovery, you never really know what you're going to get from me. My bad days can come out of nowhere. Even I can never tell how much of a pain in the ass I'm going to be each day.
And as much as I hate my eating disorder, I've come to terms with it. I've accepted the fact that I didn't ask for this, but it's still my responsibility to defeat it. I'm proud of the progress I've made and my motivation to keep going. Sometimes I just want to tell the whole world that I'm a kamikaze, but a kamikaze that's on her way to a better life.
I have a lot more songs on my recovery playlist, but those are just a few that are especially important to me. Again, I'm not going to sit here and pretend that a simple playlist can cure an eating disorder, but sometimes it's the little things that can go a long way.
Music is a form of therapy for me, and I encourage everyone out there who is struggling (with an ED or not) to have a list of songs they can go to whenever they need to truly feel something. It's crazy how sometimes, a song written by somebody we don't even know can seem to understand us more than anybody in our personal lives.
But to me, that's one of the beautiful things about musicians. They get me like nobody else, and that's just another reason why I'm so obsessed with them.
For more information about eating disorders, check out NEDA's website. If you're ever stuck, call the NEDA helpline.
sunrise
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bonfire friends
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sadness
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purple skies
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