I stretched my fingers, reaching for the piano key. My fingers felt like they were about to crack under the pressure of my piano teacher attempting to make my all too small hands play the new chord I was learning. I sighed and looked up at him, hoping he would see how frustrated I was and tell me it was okay. But instead, he took hold of my hand and showed me the correct fingers to use. I reached once more and was just barely able to play the chord, however, I had pressed additional keys down and the sound that it made cause my face to scrunch up in disgust. After weeks of trying to play that chord, I decided that playing the piano wasn't for me, mostly because I had never enjoyed it.
I pursed my lips and blew out as hard as I could, making a noise equivalent to a little puppy screeching when you accidentally step on its feet. My band teacher laughed and easily blew into his flute and made a sound quite the opposite of mine. I smiled and tried again, this time getting a little closer.
Seven years later, I was performing at my flute recital, easily playing the melody of the song I had practiced for hours. Later that week, I was to play for all of my friends and family at our annual Christmas party while my brother joined me with his guitar. however, seven years was long enough for me. Knowing I would not pursue a career in playing the flute, I placed my flute in my closest, only to be played once a year.
My next ambition was the guitar. This one I had a true desire to play because when accompanied with my voice, it made sounds that didn't burst my eardrums or make my family members scream at me to play quieter. In fact, there were nights where my parents urged me to play the guitar and sing their favorite songs while they sipped on their glasses of wine. I wasn't great at the guitar, but every time I needed a second to breathe or a moment to myself, it always felt right to pull out my guitar and sing. I had only taught myself the basic chords so I could focus on singing, but it had brought me a joy that I hadn't found anywhere else.
After contemplating for a while, I discovered that perhaps it wasn't the act of playing the guitar and singing that made me so happy but rather how enchanted I felt every time I was able to listen to my favorite songs. I have noticed this observation in others as well. While hanging with my closest friends, I have noted several things. But my main connection to friends always seems to be to good music. Those that I feel closest to, we share the same love for music. Even away at different colleges, we manage to keep in touch, solely by sharing our latest music discoveries that dragged emotions out of our heart that we knew the other would feel as well.
Our favorite things to do have always been to gather together in our cars, park in our favorite rooftops that overlooked beautiful sceneries at night and turn up the volume of our favorite songs. I particularly remember one moment where this realization dawned upon me that music was one of my favorite things in the entire world because it allowed me not only to be introspective but to appreciate society as well as to pull out all the flaws of it. The very day I realized what music meant to me, I frantically scrambled to document every emotion I felt. This is what I wrote:
Driving into the parking complex, I am filled with nostalgia, memories pouring into my mind uncontrollably, causing a disruption in my head, like the earthquake I felt back in 2011 in my hometown. I am able to subdue the emotions briefly. I slowly proceed upwards, swerving past the tedious bumps. As I make the final turn, leading to the roof of the complex, I'm in awe. The little sly thief who lives within me snatches the breath from my lungs and each time I am left shocked. The sky is pitch black except for the poorly lit stars faintly shining in the distance. The moon, however, illuminates the sky, the bright light stretching as far as it can across the sky. Although the sky is bright, the parking lot itself is dark and eerie, my senses on high alert and my hands on the clutch, ready to bolt at any second.
I shifted the gear to park on my car and felt the soft humming of the car cut off abruptly as I switched it off. I was left in complete silence beside the pattering of the rain on the hood of my car. I reclined my seat to a relaxed position and turned on the music on my phone that instantly relaxed every muscle in my body. I started singing along to the melody of my favorite song and instantly, fog began to creep slowly onto my windshield, blurring the vision to my favorite view and blocking me off from the real world. Here, I was alone and in my own world where nothing could bother me: no text on my phone, no people to try to talk to me and no parents to tell me what to do. Everything in this space was my decision. It gave me a sense of authority where I felt nowhere else.
A song started playing on my phone that I had never heard before. It started with a soft rain in the background and then a beautiful guitar began to play. I closed my eyes and let out a quiet sigh that thickened the fog on my windows. I sat there and let my mind go blank, with nothing but the guitar echoing in my head. With the pattering of the rain and the faint music, I felt at peace - something that was rare in my hectic schedule.
Then, I allowed all the thoughts to flow into my mind. It was crowded and indecipherable at first but slowly, my mind narrowed it down to only the things that would refuse to go away. I had each memory I wanted in my mind queued, ready to relive the joy, pain, sadness, and fear that each held a little bit of.
I thought about society. Then love. Then friendship. Then love. Then loneliness. Then college. Then love. Then family. Then my career. Then love.
My mind wandered into deeper thoughts, like about the downfall of our society - how rap was poetic but had become a way for people to brag about their sexual conquests. I thought about how society had created tiers centered around wealth and beauty, which had always existed but never ceased to disappoint me. I thought about how suddenly everything seemed to be controversial. I thought about how the generational hookup culture destroyed the meaning of relationships. I thought about how it wasn't fair that people who loved each other couldn't be together due to circumstance. I thought about how people died and there was nothing we could do about. I thought about how people lived but wasted their lives on drugs, meaningless relationships and doing things that meant nothing to them. I thought about how the concept of family was slowly diminishing as divorce was no longer unusual. I thought about how I hated tests because the trick questions didn't measure skill. I thought about the fear that filled every inch of my body when I felt like all of these things would become more and more normal in our world.
But then I thought about how people who love each other do end up together and love each other with a fierce and passionate love. I thought about how people were able to become passionate about something that was unique to them. I thought about how every human had their own life and thoughts that would never be the same as another. I thought about all the smart people in the world who had developed innovations that allowed us to live the luxurious lives we do. I thought about friendships that made you laugh so hard that your sides ached and tears welled up in your eyes. I thought about how there was such yummy food in this world. I thought about how memories are the most complex and interesting part of the brain. I thought about how much surgery interested me. I thought about how much I loved feeling - anything at all, even the painful experiences because I've learned most from those. I thought about the joy I felt when I realized that the world was becoming more and more open to ideas that were once rejected and forbidden in the past.
My eyes fluttered open and my vision focused on a rain droplet hanging on the side of my window, so close to falling but the science in the world made it adhere to the rubber border. I gazed at my windshield and remembered the times as a child when I would let the warm breath from my mouth blow onto the window, giving me approximately five seconds to draw a picture. This time, I drew an L in cursive - my favorite letter. There was an elegance to the shape of the L that drew me in. As the rain grew harder, however, a new layer of fog crept over my L, leaving only an outline that was barely visible.
When the rain finally stopped, the fog slowly faded away, revealing, once again, the beautiful view that lay before me and just like that I was reeled out of my world and brought back into the real one.
-S
Song: Promise by Ben Howard
