When we left off, Mrs. Jones had just revealed that Heather Campbell was not Heather Campbell but was her daughter Andria Jones. (1 & 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 & 7, 7, 8)
CHARLIE
What?! No it is not!
MRS. JONES
Yes it is you imbecile. Get your corneas checked!
MRS. JONES pulls a can of cat food from her bag and throws it at CHARLIE.
CAMPBELL
God you’re a moron.
CAMPBELL removes her wigs and sets it on the desk.
CHARLIE
What the hell is wrong with you?! I thought you were dead!
CAMPBELL
That was kind of the point.
CHARLIE
What is that supposed to mean?
CAMPBELL
It means that I do not want to be with you.
CHARLIE
And why not?
CAMPBELL
Because all you ever think about is yourself.
CHARLIE
So you decided that you were going to fake your own murder? You’re as mad as your mother!
CAMPBELL
Apples and trees I suppose.
MRS. JONES
While we’re on the topic of calling people names, Charles, you are by far the most narcissistic
man I have ever met. Your head is so full of hot air I’m surprised it hasn’t exploded!
CAMPBELL
Mom!...Well…you’re not wrong.
CHARLIE
I don’t believe this! Are we really not going to talk about this instead of why you let
me think you were dead and are you really agreeing with your mother?
CAMPBELL
Well I don’t really have a reason to not agree with her now do I?
CHARLIE
Mad, the both of you. To think I wanted to marry you. I’m certainly glad now that I never
got an answer because this would never have worked!
MRS. JONES
How dare you say such awful things to my daughter!
CHARLIE
Oh shut up you old bat! It’s not like you actually care! The only thing you care about is that
stupid cat of yours Something Something Something the third who isn’t even a real third!
CAMPBELL
Oh shit, now you’ve done it.
MRS. JONES
HOW DARE YOU BRING MY PRECIOUS PERCY PERKINS ESQUIRE THE THIRD
INTO THIS! AND HOW DARE YOU INSULT HIM!
MRS. JONES grabs the gun from CHARLIE and shoots him. CHARLIE slumps to the floor, dead.
MRS.JONES
That’ll teach you to insult my cat.
MRS. JONES turns and faces CAMPBELL.
MRS. JONES (cont.)
What are you looking at? You’re no better than him! You called my Percy fat!
You’re lucky I love you otherwise I’d shoot you as well!
MRS. JONES reaches into her purse and pulls out a stuffed cat.
MRS. JONES
There, there precious. That nasty man didn’t mean all those rude things.
Don’t worry baby, he won’t ever say them again.
CAMPBELL
That’s great, Mom. Now what are we supposed to do with this body?
MRS. JONES
I don’t know, dear. That’s your job. It’s time for Percy’s dinner. Toodles!
MRS. JONES exits. Lights fade.
So that's my play! I hope you enjoyed it as much as my class did and as much as I did writing it!
