I was hesitant to write this article to say the least. I don't want it to seem like I'm profiting off my cousins death. It's 5 am and I am currently on a plane to Denver. After Denver, I fly to New Orleans, Louisiana. Being on a plane has left time for self reflection, so I made a compromise. I will tell her story and how it affected my family, because I believe her story can help others. But I won't say her name. If I tell you her full name, you can easily look her up on social media. You will see how her life was perceived to be happy, but I will explain how she had her issues and I don't want her image to be tainted. I am willing to say her first name. Her name was Sierra.

Prior to my cousin being murdered, the last I talked to her was at least three years earlier. Her sudden, violent death was a shock to my family and we are all adjusting to never being able to see her again. My cousin was murdered by her boyfriend. I believe they got in a fight and he shot her in the head. As more evidence is being revealed, we realized he pointed a gun at her before. A good lawyer could get him convicted of first degree murder and argue that he thought about killing her because he pointed a gun at her before. I doubt it though. I knew my cousin had a history of abusive boyfriends and drug addiction. That doesn't erase the fact that she had a good heart. I'm not giving her name which is fine because you won't find her on the news and you won't find information about her murder online. I don't know why, and I'm trying to stay positive even though I really want answers.

My cousins death is currently an open case because her boyfriend is maintaining his claim that he's innocent even though he had gun shot residue on his hands. The facts we know about her case are minimal but we know he is now claiming she was suicidal. Maybe he is explaining the gun shot residue on his hands by saying something like, he tried to pull the gun out of her hands. However I've seen his picture on Facebook. He looks strong enough to pull a gun out the hands of a girl who doesn't aweigh more than 115 pounds. Now we have to prove she wasn't suicidal. I think the evidence is in our favor.

I personally think my mom feels guilty. I don't how badly though. Apparently my cousin tried to call her but my mom never picked up because she was working. She never called back because she didn't recognize the phone number my cousin was calling from. What's even more sad is that police believe that my cousin was calling my mom, who is a psychiatrist to get herself into drug abuse rehab so she could have some form of custody of her kids. In my opinion,proves she's wasn't suicidal. Someone who is actively try to make their life better and get in touch with their kids, isn't suicidal. Personally there was a few moments I blamed myself for her death. Anybody could see she had problems and a part of me feels guilty for not reaching out. However a different part of me remembers a notable quote from Dr. Cox from the Tv show, Scrubs.

"Once you start blaming yourself for deaths that aren't your fault my friend, that's a slippery slope that you can't come back from." -Dr. Cox

This part of me also reassures me that she wouldn't have accepted the help anyways. Which is okay. Her death wasn't her fault or as a result of her continual drug abuse. Maybe she's was scared of him and didn't know how to get help. I won't be mad at her for that. In abusive relationships, it's hard for the victim to realize they need help. The only person responsible for my cousins death is her former boyfriend. He was the person that aimed the gun and fired. My cousin spent her entire life running. Running from drugs, running from crazy boyfriends. She is now free. Although, I feel terrible for her children.

Unless a time machine is invented, I can't go back to the person I was before. For the rest of my life, I'm going to carry her tragic story with me. I've decided to use her story to help others. I plan to be a nurse and I can tell her story to future patients who are being abused and could become like her if they don't get help. Again when a person is in an abusive relationship, they have difficulty admitting that they need help. They're misunderstood people that tell themselves loads of lies to stay in an abusive relationship. Like that other people don't understand or that their relationship is complicated. At least now, when people say I have no idea what I'm talking about when I say people need to escape abusive relationships, I can honestly say I know what I'm talking about. If you're in an abusive relationship, I beg you to get help. Everyone always thinks, "This won't happen to me." But I thought the same until my mom told me my cousin was murdered.

Death is such an odd and awkward concept to discuss. When people find out that my cousin was murdered, they expect me to be an emotional wreck and they treat me like I'm made of glass. That leaves me to explain that they were circumstances that led me to not be super upset and they don't need to walk on eggshells around me. Like the fact that I hardly knew her. Her drug abuse problem pushed everyone in my family away from her. I'd rather not explain this to people but I feel I have to in order to get them to stop treating me like I'm a fragile human being. Death is such an odd concept because a deep amount of sadness is associated with it. When we hear news of someone's death, the first thing we say is that we are deeply sorry but we also expect their family to be so distraught that they put their life on hold. So many people expect the family of the deceased to refuse to go to work or school and just lie in bed all day. If this wasn't true, I wouldn't get a surprised look when someone asks how I'm doing since her murder, and I say I'm fine.

People don't know the relationship the family had with the deceased but because society says so, the first thing that people say is that they're sorry. I truly believe that you can be sad about the death of a loved one and still laugh and love. In the same way that you can be clinically depressed and still laugh.

A few years ago I discussed this with a classmate but I struggled to see her point of view. She lost her dad and she said the most annoying thing is when people treat her like she is made of glass and in general just walk on eggshells around her. I finally understand what she meant. Experiencing the death of a loved one is not black and white at all. It's so much more complicated than that. I'd rather not explain why I'm not extremely distraught every single time my cousins death is mentioned to someone who doesn't know everything. For some reason, people get more sad about the death of a person who had a picture perfect life rather than someone like my cousin who had their fair share of problems. I don't understand that. She's still a human being and she was not evil and deserved to die like Josef Stalin or Ted Bundy. I wouldn't say I am okay with her being dead. I don't think a person gets over the death of a dearly loved one but we all know death is inevitable. Rather, we become accustomed to the idea of never seeing them. Like I said, she spent her whole life running and at least she's free. However, around Christmas and Thanksgiving, I'm going to wish she was there.

Of course, I appreciate the sentiment behind people asking if I'm okay all the time, but I don't want people to act like they're walking on eggshells around me. At first I was extremely upset over her death. I talked to some friends and they helped me through it. I truly believe if you have supportive friends, you can get through anything. Hoping for the death penalty is unrealistic. Especially since I don't think it is considered first degree murder. Even though it's obvious that he's guilty. At the very least, I hope that he goes away for a very, very long time. I sincerely hope that my cousin was his first and last victim. I hope this article accomplished a few things. First, I want domestic violence victims to get help before it's too late. Secondly, I want people to understand that we all grieve differently. Lastly I hope that this article has clarified what experiencing the death of a loved one is like and it's black and white.