On Sunday, January 27th with a forecast for the next day calling for 8 inches of snow and wind chills well below zero degrees, MSU sent out the following email to all staff members and students:
Sara Ursum
As clearly stated, it's more important to MSU that it's students attend class than suffer from frostbite (which can occur in only 10 minutes with the given conditions). Even with the snow storm of the year occurring and the coldest temperatures that the sate of Michigan has seen in years taking place in East Lansing, MSU administration came up with a shocking solution to assure students that they'd be able to make it to class: simply hold your breath until you get inside.
Even when nearly every other university in the state closed for the day, MSU remained open. Which poses the question, how close could the world be to ending before Michigan State finally decides to cancel class? To be honest with you, I think they'd come up with an excuse for just about every situation.
1. The University catches on fire
MSU would likely send out an email reminding us to bring water bottles and a change of clothes in case the flames become too hot and we sweat through our clothes and become dehydrated. Better yet, they may even suggest that we bring marshmallows in order to cook s'mores on our walk through the flames.
2. All technology fails
Via snail mail, MSU would let us all know that classes will still be in session and any papers that we had saved on our computers must now be rewritten by and instead in order to be submitted. Their advice for the major research paper you have due tomorrow? Find a way to get your hands on a hard copy of an encyclopedia.
3. Campus becomes completely underwater
We simply can't graduate in four years if we don't attend class or drop all of our credits! Instead of un-enrolling for the semester, every student is encouraged to take KIN101A: Swimming I. The whole campus becomes our classroom.
4. Zombie apocalypse occurs
MSU's solution is simple: the dress code for the day is a full head to toe look of being wrapped in toilet paper. If they can't tell the difference between you and them, then they'll never attempt to harm us in the first place.
5. An asteroid is hurtling towards Earth
MSU sends out a text alert urging all students to please wear sunscreen and sunglasses for the day. Long exposure to the sun (or any objects from space that are on fire) can cause irreversible damage, after all!
6. Apes conquer the planet
MSU would email every student suggesting that on our walk to class we bring extra bananas with us. If we try to feed the apes, maybe they will become our friends. If all else fails, maybe we can throw them on the road and cause them to slip like in Mario Kart.
7. The eruption of a super volcano
MSU's advice would be to invest in tight, fireproof clothing that will not ignite with the sparks flying around campus. If you encounter a path that is blocked by lava on your walk to class, simply find a new route. They'll suggest that we allow extra travel time as many roads may be too filled with lava to travel.
