No matter where you go, you always have the opportunity to make friends. Whether it is your first year at college or moving to a new city post-graduation, the exciting part of life is getting the chance to meet new people. Of course, you will have people in your past that will remain close to you. However, there are also people who just end up drifting away, or you may even find yourself having to cut them off yourself.
For me, I've experienced both. I have drifted from people I use to go to high school with or swam on the same team, and I haven't communicated lately with people from my previous school. We are all busy. With trying to balance finals, a social life, fitness, and self-care - priorities shift. It's understandable when there is a distance between two people, you may go even months without saying a word.
What is important is what it feels like when you do talk to that person again. It may feel like you're reconnecting or even back to how it use to was. This is the first sign of a solid friendship.
Sure, it is nerve-racking sometimes when you see someone because you may be afraid they changed. Of course, they have changed.
But you have changed too.
You just might not vibe with that person like you use to because you two are now just two different people.
However, if talking to that person causes anxiety to rise, that's a red flag. For me, I reached a point where I did not feel mental and emotionally safe with certain people, so I took it upon myself to cut them off. It got to the point where I was the one constantly reaching out and making effort, but not even getting half the same effort. It was exhausting trying to maintain a friendship where I was putting my best foot forward to make it work.
So, I decided to block them on social media. I felt like I had all these eyes on me of people making assumptions of posts that it wasn't fair. I was then getting texts after texts of people either assuming or interrogating me that I lost it. I felt so miserable about myself that I began to doubt my own intuition. I blocked them in hope of them reaching out and asking me personally what was going on, not just relying on social media to fill in the blanks.
I wanted to feel the same support I felt before, where it felt like they genuinely carried rather than throwing me a bone here and there to keep me invested in the friendship.
Seeing the name of these people cause anxiety. Recognizing that I get anxious just by thinking of seeing them let alone talking is my red flag. I need to protect myself and my mental health. And if that means keeping these people out of my life, so be it. I need to do what is in my best interest rather than sacrificing my personal happiness and safety just to keep people who make me anxious.
It is never selfish to put yourself first when it comes to your overall health.
I want things to go back to how they use to be, but that is impossible. It's too optimistic to think that everything will be okay again, and that's okay. We just don't fit into each other's lives anymore.
Our friendship is dead. I've come to realize that this week, and I'm ready to fully move on.
I will always wish them all the best. However, I deserve to be happy as well.
