It's not about getting started that concerns my motivation. The question is, "What is going to keep me going once I get started?" I have done a lot in life that I didn't want to do, spent a lot of time trying to please others in the hope that my ambitions would be supplied at some point. This drains.
I have been at the low points, points in which I questioned existence and even accepted death as a better alternative in those moments. Working at a job that I had complete disdain for, regretting choices I had made in the past, and not making connections with people around me in a new area- these were all a culmination for a complete re-evaluation in my life.
What was keeping me alive? What thought was it that was keeping me alive? It was family. I couldn't imagine the grief my family would suffer if something tragic were to happen to me. That was my motivation and what I had to work with. From there, I focused entirely on cutting out anything that did not help that and moved on.
This is what brings us hope. Living today with the ability to move on. If we get stuck thinking about making full promises we missed yesterday, or fulfilling expectations that we swear will happen tomorrow, then surely we will live disappointed for missing out on the parallels of the day. Promise today, but never swear tomorrow because yesterday never came.
What have I moved onto? Belonging. This is what many of us are in search of. I craved family because it taught me belonging. I learned this before I even learned language. It is largely a part of who we all already are. We belong to each other, but just as importantly, we belong to ourselves.
In search of belonging, I have found many people who are lost and suffering; afraid to ask or too afraid to say "This hurts" or " I hurt". Open up. Let it be known. Don't do this through pretense or wanting a quick fix, it will only exacerbate the issue even deeper.
My lesson has been that vulnerability is our strength. Our hope is not of solid structure, but more so of a loose, intangible nature that is accessible through a delicate force of will. So subtle this force is. It is not obvious. Not with a lot of chaotic noise. It is obvious through attunement to our intention and desire to belong.
