This past year my depression and anxiety symptoms have not been as extreme as they were the year before. The ups and downs of my mental health have been something I've had to accept. However, what I wasn't prepared for was feeling embarrassed and ashamed during the times when I have my symptoms under control.

Sitting here, clear headed, my brain is flooded with all the things I said, did, and felt a couple of years ago when my head was not so clear and I was not in a good place. It's brought me to tears numerous times thinking about how little I felt I deserved and how that directly reflected in the way I took care of myself, what I said, and what I did. I allowed people to be in my life who had no place being in my life and I pushed away the people I should have been keeping close.

I said things that clear-headed Jenna would never say and I did things I always told myself I never would do. I thought so little of myself, I felt like everyone was against me, and I didn't care who was left in my warpath, even when it was myself.

Recently I've been feeling like I should apologize to every single person for the way I acted when my depression was at one of its peaks.

It's hard because I feel so much better now, but my mind tends to wander to those dark days more often than I wish it would. I'm happy now and in a good place mentally and I wish I could let go of everything that kept me so paralyzed before. I want to let go of the embarrassment that I feel about who I was.

I don't know how else to explain it to people other than it's not really me. That's not who I am. I'm aware that not everyone is going to accept that, but I believe the people who really want to be in my life will.

I love that I feel like I have more control over my mental health right now and I love how content I have been with who I am. I don't want this shame and embarrassment to cause me to lose the progress I've made, but I feel like I don't deserve to be happy right now because of the way I acted. I came out on the other side a little battered and bruised, but I'm stronger now because of it and I should be proud of that.

My life is moving forward and I need to keep my head in the present as well. We all have things we wish we could change and I wish I could apologize to everyone that had to deal with me. So I'm going to do what I can, and focus on the future and how happy I am now.