Hello Anxiety,
You are not the boss of me.
I know this might come as a surprise to you, since you've lived with me for years, and have had a handle in many, if not all, of my descisions. But I am here today to inform you that I am done.
You and I? We're finished.
I am fed up.
I have had enough.
I am completely fatigued with the things that you bring me; the shortness of breath, the desperate sense of panic, the shaking and sweating, the racing of my mind, the certainty that I am a failure at everything and anything, and the feeling of being frozen in place, unable to move.
I am weary with the way you bring hesitation to every decision, by slyly telling me that whatever I choose will be the wrong choice.
I am tired of your sticky talons dipping into all my thoughts and feelings, making me feel as if I do not have control of my own life.
And you know what? Shame on me for believing you.
Earlier this week I had to call out of work because you wouldn't let me out of bed in the morning. I cried and cried and tried to extricate myself free of the panic you induced in me, but I just couldn't do it. I was too tired to fight back. I didn't feel as if I was worth it.
For a long time, a really long time, I hid your existence from others. I was ashamed of you. And ashamed of myself for your part in my life. But recently I've come to the realization that I am STRONGER than you. Having you in my life doesn't make me weak. It just means I have to work a little harder at some things. And that's okay. Because I am up for whatever challenges you throw at me and I swear that I will come out on top. My life is going to be exactly what I say it's going to be; Freedom, books, and a safe space to write. And you are not going to stop me from getting there. Yes, there are going to be days that are harder than others. There are going to be times where I can't breathe and the panic overwhelms me and my thoughts race like bees on a summer day.
But I am moving forward positively, each and every day. I am learning to handle your existance. I am learning to value myself and not look upon myself in a deragotory manner because of you. I am making more time for the things that bring my heart joy; like reading and writing. I am making less time for the things that make you flare up, like certain social situations and toxic people. Every day is a challenge, and every day is a treasure.
Anxiety....
You are not the boss of me.
Not any longer. And never again.
