As a child of divorce, I was affected by my parent's choice to dissolve the marriage. Elements of good, bad, beautiful and ugly all affected me one way or another, but they ultimately led me to a newfound respect and appreciation for my parents.
Why, you might ask? Because it takes courage to recognize unhappiness and choose happiness when the road to get there is difficult.
Divorce can be — and often is — tough. While it may be full of twists and turns, below are tips to help guide you through the process of moving forward with your life after a divorce, both as a divorcee and a child of divorce.
1. Experience the grief.
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Grief is a natural part of life when we experience loss. The loss of a pet, loved one, relationship or future are all experiences we must face at some point in time. Within grief lies multifaceted feelings of denial, anger, frustration, and, of course, sadness that often intermingle and go through a cyclical process. It's natural to feel upset when we lose something we are used to because change and uncertainty can be daunting. It's okay to cry. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. Know these feelings are temporary. Don't be afraid to join a support group, see a therapist or talk to someone who can help you professionally.
2. Forgive yourself.
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You are not a terrible person because your marriage didn't work out for whatever reason, nor are you going to be alone forever because your parents are divorced (unless you want to be). Sometimes things don't work out. Sometimes people change. We all make mistakes. Accept the choices that led you to where you are, and let go of any blame.
3. Forgive your former partner or parent.
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Regardless of the reason that led to the dissolution of the marriage, forgive your former partner/parent. Forgiveness isn't forgetting, nor is it justifying the behavior, but rather letting go of the negative feelings and bitterness you have. In fact, studies show holding onto grudges and blame tend to hurt the bearer the most, and may actually negatively affect your health. If anything, do it for your health. You deserve to be healthy and happy.
4. Change your perspective on the past.
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Was your former partner/parent a total and complete monster? Most likely, the answer is "no." Instead of looking back on the marriage as a source of grief and pain, change your perspective to appreciate the good. Appreciate the marriage for the joy it brought into your life, no matter how small. Maybe it was the time you laughed uncontrollably or the trips you took to explore the world. You'll find talking about it won't drag you down, but instead will make you appreciate it happened.
5. Accept that life will be different.
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I'll go ahead and say it: your life will be different. You will be different. Different is not bad, it's just…different. You could find someone new who is perfect for you that you never would've met before the divorce. There is the freedom to travel. There is the mental clarity to evaluate what you want and don't want in life. There is the insight into your other relationships. There is the freedom from inhibition to do something you've always wanted to do. As my mom used to say, "the world is your oyster."
6. Revisit "you."
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When is the last time you did something for yourself? Is that ugly painting still on the wall? Are you thinking about that pair of shoes you saw yesterday? Reflect on yourself and what you want. If you want those shoes, buy them. If that painting is still there, take it down. If you can't remember the last time you treated yourself, take the day to do so. Or maybe even the next five minutes. Part of moving forward is reflecting on yourself, what you need to work on, what you are good at, what you want and what you have. You must be happy with yourself at the end of the day. If you catch yourself saying you don't have time because of this and that, think about the example you are setting for those around you: self-care is an important part of life.
7. Be excited for what the future holds.
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When asked about the divorce process, Austin divorce attorney Abraham Kant stated, "Divorce is a turning point in life, and it is important to be done right and only after careful thought and consideration." You've done the thinking, the worrying, and the considering during the divorce process. As a child of divorce, you've witnessed this process. Now you're done. Now is time to let go and embrace the turn. Enjoy every day as a new beginning and the excitement of what is yet to come. Find your "new normal."
The divorce process can be difficult, but the cliché is true: time heals all wounds. Be patient with yourself and embrace all parts of this journey, both the ups and the downs. At the end of the day, you and your parents deserve happiness.
