Just finished watching "Jumanji." Heck, I’m so fresh out of the movie theater that you can smell the buttery aroma of cinema popcorn on me. Hell, I’ve still got a bit of popcorn tickling the back of my throat, and while I absolutely hate the after effects (in the throat) of popcorn consumption, I am here to say that I absolutely, surprisingly, and emphatically did not hate the modern iteration of Chris Van Allsburg’s 1981 classic fantasy story. Best part? It harkened backed the popular Robin William’s vehicle from the mid-1990s, and it did so masterfully.
Such a success got me thinking about other reboots that were pretty terrible and even a few that weren’t so terrible. A few of reboots are so embarrassingly bad that, in the parlance of our times, I can’t even. Not really sure what the means, but I know it applies. For example, whenever Chris Hemsworth’s character is onscreen in the female-centric Ghostbusters, I just can’t even.
In any case, I want to highlight a handful reboots that fit that bill, meaning they were just plain awful and a handful of others that were, well, pretty decent.
Reboots That Suck:
1. "Ghostbusters"
I want to vomit. So...much...
2. "The Amazing Spider-Man"
Can everything NOT be connected to OsCorp, please?
3. "Fant4stic"
Since we're talking about taking creative liberties that were not awesome, what the hell were they thinking with this take on Dr. Doom?!
4. "Planet of the Apes" (2001)
This film's problem was that it tried too hard to be just like the original. Of course, one of the attempts to recreate the classic 1968 film's devastating endings was to slab an ape's face on the Lincoln Memorial (Apraham Lincoln?), a suggestion that Ape history followed a nearly exact course of events similar to our own.
5. "Godzilla"
Okay, the movie itself wasn't hot-buttered garbage, but it reduced the king of the kaiju to a failed science experiment or, tackier still, a warning about the dangers of unregulated nuclear bomb testing, which, now that I think about, is pretty much what the classic Japanese film's premise was all about.
6. "Nightmare On Elm Street"
Since Jackie Earle Haley was involved, I walked in hopeful. I walked ashamed at Haley for accepting a paycheck for consenting to look like a "Rick & Morty" character sans chin testes.
8. "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull"
Not sure what irritated me more. The damn alien origin of the skull or that this film fully exploited one of the cutest elements of the first film and shoehorned in Shia Labeouf. Needless to say, the directors choose...poorly .
8. "Robin Hood"
Something I expect out of a Robin Hood story is an adventure filled with plenty of arrows flying and buckles swashing, but this was something more like Braveheart or Gladiator devoid of all the elements of those two films that made it good. Sorry, Ridley Scott, but you done messed up.
9. "AVP"
This was a fanboy's (and fangirl's) dream matchup. Not since Rocky and Apollo laced up their gloves has a prizefight been so hotly anticipated. Instead of a film for the ages, we were provided a monster/sci-fi movie so many plotholes and failed opportunities that it was pathetic. The only positive thing I can say is that it was better than its followup.
10. "The Hulk"
Gamma-radiated dogs were simultaneously the film's best and worst fight for the Hulk in this film. Dogs, one of which was a poodle. Yes, it was scary looking, but it was still a poodle.
Since there are two sides to every coin, I'll examine an equal number of reboots that decidedly, and in my professional opinion, were not awful:
1. "Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle"
Just go see it, and then we'll talk about it. Know that I really enjoyed it, and there were several touching shout-outs to the 1995 "Jumanji."
2. "Robocop"
Unlike Tim Burton's "Planet of the Apes," this modern take on Paul Verhoeven's wonderfully toned classic strayed just far enough away that it stood on its on two legs.
3. "Casino Royale"
While my friends and I disagree, at great length, about this film's epic status, it cannot be denied that the film definitely carried forth in the tradition of a solid Bond flick. It spawned several successful sequels, one of which is hailed as a pinnacle of the Bond franchise.
4. "Dredd"
Best part of this film? It wasn't the piss-poor Judge Dredd film starring Sylvester Stallone.
5. "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
While Burton's version played it too close to the source material, this film instead sought to explain how the apes ascended to greater intelligence. Because the film drew criticisms prior to its release, it was an underdog story, but it initiated an amazing trilogy of filmmaking, special effects, and, of course, story-telling.
6. "Star Trek"
It was like a Star Trek film, but more Star Wars-esque. Two thumbs up!
7. "Godzilla"
This film put the "God" back in "Godzilla," reminding us all just who the King of the Kaijus is.
8. "Spider-man: Homecoming"
Not really a Spider-fan, and I'm still not especially fan of the web slinger, but I'll go off on a limb and say this was quite potentially one of Marvel's best films and the best Spidey film since the original Sam Raimi films (not counting "Spider-man 3")
9. "Ocean's Eleven"
While I'm a huge fan of the 1960's "Ocean's Eleven," this reboot was an incredible modern reimagination. Can't say the same for "Ocean's Twelve," but...
10. "Clash of the Titans"
I loved this film, and it even had Bupu! Although it spawned a stupid sequel, this film succeeded in that it failed to cast Harry "Can't Stand His Face" Hamlin.
While my list is far from all-inclusive, I hope it stimulated some thoughts. Maybe it'll even prompt you to embrace one of my favorite habits, which is the watching of the old and new films back-to-back. Then argue it out, but remember that it's all in good fun.