The human mind is resilient and its capacity to undergo such day to day use for as long we breathe is simply amazing.
My name is Shawn Spencer and I am a fourth year undergraduate student studying Biology while also working on a double minor in Chemistry and (this is a mouthful) Health, Medicine and Human Values at the University of New Mexico. I get to lead with that tagline now, but for many years it was: My name is Shawn Spencer and I grew up in the widespread but minuscule outlying community of Prewitt just outside of Thoreau, New Mexico.
Quick context: I had parents who intermittently succumbed to alcoholism in my very early years that made it quite claustrophobia inducing and it gave me a shaded sense of what it truly means to have an addictive personality vs. a self controlled one. Throw in a bit of self identity issues, troublesome family relationships and a home out in the boonies unequipped with a running water system and electricity and I found that, over the next decade of always comparing my situation to my peers, its next to impossible to feel safe in the world where its extremely difficult to just simply relate to others. But despite all this, I stand here today a first generation final year undergraduate student with the hopes of entering medical school the following year yet the odds of actual success seemed outright impossible at the start.
It's no secret at this point that I had to grow almost exponentially from the baseline that I was starting from. It is now known more so today that an individuals positive social determinants play a role in the statistical chance for better health, higher education and/or socioeconomic status (and more), but just as they will stack in your favor, if you meet more criteria for negative outcomes they stack against you just as much so. They play into statistics which is to say probability – they are not finite and anyone can always become their own data sets outlier.
One of the first things that I realized about myself was that the real world, the world outside of my family and school, scared me. In the grades ranging from 2nd to 6th grade I was in a program called the Gifted and Talented Education Program that was funded specifically to broaden my background by offering additional topics of teaching after school not normally taught in the day, for example Intro to Research, American History (my elementary school focused on Native American Culture and History) while simultaneously taking various field trips outside of the school environment. It was pretty darn amazing looking back and it was the first time I was subjected to leaving my community. The first few years were rough because on overnight trips I always found myself calling my parents in a sobbing and sniffly mess wanting to come back home because I was so far away and so unaware of what was going on around me. I never told anyone how difficult it was to acclimate to being separated from my family despite our intermittent dysfunction but it did get easier as the years went by. Even at a young age, I was beginning to recognize that although I was far away from home, the experiences I was able to participate in made it all worth it. In my 5th grade year I was finally able to go to California for about a week and it changed my life. Not only did I see the benefits of traveling but also finding that there is much more beyond what anyone in my family has accomplished up to this point. It left me with the realization that despite what my greatest fears were, they faded the more and more I exposed myself to it. I have the capability and the drive, I just needed to find trust in myself that I didn't even know existed in order to get through the fear that was stopping me from truly enjoying what experiences I was having up to this point.
After I graduated from elementary school I had the daunting task of acclimating to the public school system. The support system wasn't the same, you were asked to go to multiple classes a day and almost worst of it all was that you didn't have a playground to have recess on anymore. The absolute horror. Where was I going to play tag? Hide-and-go-seek? The other various hits and/or variations? Nevertheless, I got through it relatively easily due to the fact that most of my friends from my elementary school went to my now new school due to a limited set of schooling options. I was able to continue on with this cohort of familiar faces and find my academic niche, which ended up to be science and math.
Stumbling my way into High School, I was just as socially awkward as ever. I may have gotten comfortable with my ability to do academics with the clear end goal of getting into college but I quickly found that the next pillar of growth was getting over a big sense of social anxiety and worthlessness. Over my first year, the crowd of individuals my new schedule subjected me to was overwhelming but I got through it, although it was rough. I ended up talking to the school counselor that year about my plans after my high school career and she entertained the idea of travelling abroad for the summer. I almost laughed in her face. But it turns out there are plenty of programs aimed at getting first generation college students out there, funded by so many different organizations and institutions. Also add the fact that I am Native American? Let's just say I pulled the affirmative action card and I slammed it down hard.
In just the state of New Mexico there were a plethora of programs that were made to give you a college experience but I was drawn to those that offered you a period of time away from home for extended periods of time. The truth is I could turn each experience into essays but I will show restraint and quickly summarize what I did in the summer after each consecutive year of high school. In my first summer after Freshman year, I went to the Institute of American Indian Arts in Santa Fe, New Mexico and took a creative writing class and corresponding lab. Not only was this a creative endeavor, but it was my first look into college life. In my second summer after Sophomore year I craved big adventure so I swallowed the lump in my throat in order to apply and participate in a program that sent me to the Phillips Exeter Academy in Exeter, New Hampshire to study Chemistry, Biological based Calculus while also taking an elective course of Vocal Performance. I have never been so culture shocked! I dealt with humidity, struggled through my first block-typed schedule of classes, met students from around the world, traveled to the nearest city of Boston without parental supervision. How cruel did the universe have to be to stick me in my initial starting place? In my penultimate summer after Junior year, I went to Trinidad State Junior College in Trinidad, Colorado to study college level math and science. This experience was much more structured but it was similar to my previous summer escapade.
At the end of each year I learned something new each time while also having the experience of a lifetime. I had the privilege of struggling through actual college courses in my high school career. I was immersed in a zone so far from my area of comfort that I was forced to get acquainted with the difficulty of academia, what it means to be so far from home for more than a simple trip, and I also had a quick try at being self dependent. It was equally the most terrified I have ever been in my life but the happiest I have ever been because the experiences and the friends that I made along the journey made it completely worthwhile. Seeing my home community as the nest I was so scared of leaving at this point felt ridiculous at this point. I have tasted freedom and success and wow I wanted it bad.
I now see Thoreau as a place in which I owe so much to. But, I also have so much life ahead of me with an overabundance of more experiences to be had before I am content with slowing down. Nothing can stop or will stop me.
It is tough accepting all of your short comings and it is ever tougher to turn those short comings into strengths. It is something that I have learned to embrace over time. I am proud of who I am and what I bring to the table. Sure, I may not have grown up with the luxury of running water/electricity or have some seemingly basic knowledge of the day to day workings of life but I am willing to go far beyond my safety zone. I am willing to take on the seemingly impossible and accept the struggle it takes to get there. I am and always will be comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Authors note: The goal that I am trying to accomplish with sharing these small pieces of my story is to show that there is always knowledge or life changing realizations that can be found in your own experiences whether they are mostly positive, mostly negative or somewhere in the middle.
The Motivation Report as told by me is going to be a series of short stories updated now and again that goes behind how I have found or will find the motivation to overcoming my own obstacles in education, career path, or just life in general. I expect that the idea is going to change over time so we all have that to look forward to. Thank you for taking a peek into my life.
I also want to thank Will Sterling, the producer/writer of the online podcast The Motivation Report: one, for letting me use your clever podcast title and graphic and two, for inspiring me to not only share my story but also showing me the importance of sharing your truth. You can follow his Motivation Report Podcast at this link: https://soundcloud.com/themotivationreport and you can follow Will on Twitter and Instagram @WillSterling_
Whether it is through music, stories, film, dance, etc. you are immersing yourself into a sense of vulnerability when you express your perspective that can effect change, galvanize and/or contribute to the ideas of others.
