My father died March 5, 1998 from a cardiac arrest while he was out playing basketball and started having chest pain. He made the choice to try and come home and consult with my mother, whom is a doctor. He got in the car to come home, locks all the doors to the car and faints, he was on a hill and the car rolled back and hit another parked car. People came out of the buildings and found him slumped over the steering wheel. My mother was 7 months pregnant with my sister and I at the time and had an 8-year-old son. (My brother, Max)
I decided to have her answer some of my questions.
1) What was your initial reaction?
At first, somebody just called me and told me that he had collapsed while playing basketball. This gave me a tremendous amount of worry, since he had always been in good health. Although, he always hated the doctors so he had not recently seen a doctor.
2) Did you ever feel in denial, if so what was that like?
This was a very unique circumstance since I was pregnant, so the initial thought was terrible grief. But, the other thought was survival, so this would never jeopardize the two of you. I wanted to make sure that everything went okay for you guys, so I did feel shock, and amazement and it really was the worst time of my life.
3) What was your number one fear/worry now that you were widowed?
So let's just list all the issues I had to deal with: I was pregnant with twins, I had an 8-year-old, I had a mortgage. So the overall concern was would we be able to financially make it, thankfully dad had a will and I had a great job and I was smart about it. The money that dad left we were able to utilize, the last of it is how you’re even getting through college.
4) Did you ever blame yourself?
Well, I had been trying to get him in to see a doctor for a long long time. So there was nothing more I could've done. I mean, I wish he could've gotten home. But that wasn't my fault.
5) Did you ever feel thoughts of suicide or depression?
It was a delayed response, he died in March and you guys were born in May. So the main thought for two months after was to maintain the pregnancy. It wasn't about until two years later after you guys were up and running where one day I woke up and I just felt really, really depressed. So I saw a grief and loss therapist, and I brought Max with me, too. We worked with him for about a year.
6) Did you feel that you would fail at being a single mom?
Every mom worries about failure, it doesn't matter if they're single or not single. So I don't know if I worried more than anybody else. I was able to financially support the family, I had a great community who assisted me. I had a huge amount of social support, so that really helped me a lot. Community involvement is very very important, the community is like money in the bank, it’s like a saving account--a social saving accounts.
7) Did daily life become more difficult? Why do you think it did or didn't?
OH COME ON. THAT'S LIKE A JOKE! How could it not be? I mean not only did I lose my best friend, but I was pregnant with twins and had an eight year old, plus I only took 8 weeks off and continued to work. What helped to make it easier is that from the community I met many caretakers and from my work, co workers were able to help me find a housekeeper, who stayed with us for 16 years.
8) Do you regret your last words or wish you said anything else?
Absolutely not, we always said how much we loved each other whenever we left each other, whenever we hung up on the phone, anytime. We were always very much aware of the importance of words, so no, never.
9) Would things be easier today if he were alive, if so by how much?
By a HUGE amount, my life would be so different if he were alive. I am in charge of all the finances for this whole family, so I provide money for ALL of the kids, I’ve gotten notices before that it’s against federal law to take money out of the bank more than 7 times in a 30 day time period. If he were alive, this would likely be a responsibility we shared. He was also a great business man, he was in charge of all the finances up until his death. We would have double the amount of money, we probably wouldn't have to worry about college at all.
10) Do you think you would still be together?
Absolutely, it was always a good relationship, we got along incredibly well. If there was ever a disagreement we solved it, there was never lingering anger. I think it would be an even better relationship today if he were still here.
My mother is one of the strongest women I know to have lost her husband and have to ability to continue being a well-respected professor and doctor, while still raising children. I thank her for turning me into the strong woman I am today.
*This article was published with my mother's permission.
