First of all, I want to make it absolutely clear that I did not, in fact, make all of this up. I could never do it, even if I tried. This is an actual tradition, all absurdity and depravity aside. There are thousands of children that take part in this every year the way we take part in the Santa Claus schtick. It's 100% real. With that out of of the way, let me continue.

Tio de Nadal.

The Catalans have this bizarre Christmas tradition called "Tio de Nadal," meaning "Christmas Log." Every December 8th, a thirty-inch long piece of wood invites itself into the home of a Catalan child. Unlike most logs, this log has a face and looks actually kind of cute. It is understood that the log is a guest in the home of the child, and it is up to the child to care for the log all month long, essentially. First, one must drape blanket on the log so that it does not grow cold. Next, the log must be fed every night. It's rude not to.

Most children go out of their way to be nice to their wooden guests...for ulterior motives. Apparently, they know that if the log is taken care of, he shall shit presents for them on Christmas Day. This is not a joke. The log "defecates" presents, and the act is specifically referred to as "shitting." You just think that this story can't get any better, but it does.

On Christmas Day, the log is placed partly in the fireplace but mostly out of it. Then the children are instructed to go off to pray that the log will poop wonderful presents for them. While they are away, parents leave presents underneath the log's blanket, which is still draped on the log. The children, having prayed, return and begin to beat the log with sticks while singing a song that literally translates thus:

"Shit, log!

Shit nougets

hazelnuts and mato cheese.

If you do not shit well,

I will hit you with a stick!

Shit, log!"

Reminder: I'm absolutely not making any of this up.

So, the log does as commanded and shits. Once the blanket is torn away, the children can gather the nougets, hazelnuts, and cheese that the log lovingly pooped out for them while it received blunt force trauma. The log only brings small gifts, however. Big gifts are left to the capable Three Wise Men, who have already delivered their load by this time. Sometimes, the log even "pees" (parents leave a bowl of water under the blanket). Naughty children only receive herring and garlic from the magical shitting Christmas log.

As promised, I did not make this up. There is actually a Wiki page about everything I said. If you have trouble believing this, I recommend you verify facts there.