8) P.F. Chang's Frozen Egg Rolls

Kicking things off at number 8, these delicious microwavable delicacies are adorable and, with the help of a little soy sauce, can really do a number on your taste buds. They really shine when used as a late night snack and if you're not a lazy sloth like me try pan frying them and reap the fruits of your labor.

7) Amy's Frozen Cheese Enchiladas

The genius of these saucy beauties lies in the fact that they create the illusion of being a healthy option while simultaneously delivering the cheesy calories that you crave from junk food. This means that you can devour these all while tricking yourself into believing that you're a responsible adult who makes healthy food choices. Well played, Amy.

6) Hormel Compleats

I've been eating these for about 4 years. Even after since old roommate introduced me to them they still remain a bit of a mystery, to be honest. What I mean by that is that they come in a conspicuous plastic tub, they can live on your shelf without expiring for a freakish amount of time, and they don't seem to need to be refrigerated at all. These things are kinda scary in terms of your health because I have no clue what in them makes them last forever but ignorance is bliss and dammit, there's something about them that I just can't quit.

5) Suddenly Salad: Ranch & Bacon

This pasta salad made it this far on the list because of its nostalgic effect. It reminds me of when I would get home from school in the 6th grade and stand over the stove until my face would get steamed by the boiling pot as I counted the seconds until this pasta reached a perfect al dente. The amount of mayonnaise that the back of the box calls for would probably even make Paula Dean uncomfortable. It's insane and delicious.

4) Ben & Jerry's "Americone Dream" Ice Cream

I'm of the opinion that there is no such thing as a "bad" ice cream, instead there are just some flavors that you feel more seduced by. What I love about "Americone Dream" is the chunks of chocolate covered waffle cone that you unearth with your spoon like a gold miner with a pick-axe. Also, I love the picture of Stephen Colbert making gun fingers at an ice cream cone. The back of the tub says there's 4 servings in one little container but I interpret that as a challenge and eat it all in one serving 'cause mama didn't raise no quitter.

3) Top Ramen (the blue package)

I would hope that we are all aware of Top Ramen's rightful place atop the junk food mountain but I'm singling out the blue package because I don't think it gets enough credit.(side note: when I discuss Top Ramen I mean crunching it up and eating it out of the bag, not cooking it.) I made the switch to the blue package from the red package (beef flavor) in about 2006 because I detected what I believed/believe to be a change in the recipe that made the red package a little too sweet for my taste. Thankfully the blue package remains consistent in delivering the savory saltiness I've grown to need and the world keeps turning.

2) Cheez-Its (various flavors)

Cheez-Its come cheezin in at number two on the list because they are just such a strong junk food and could even arguably take the top spot. Cheez-Its are so delicious they may actually be chemically, physically, and emotionally addictive, they come in a ton of flavors, and they tend to fill the bag to the brim instead of double-crossing us by filling half the bag with air like Doritos and Ruffles do. If you're a seasoned veteran of the snack game then you'll remember when Cheez-Its made a BBQ Cheddar flavor that was in a league of its own, but has sadly disappeared.

1) Hot Cheetos

At long last here we are at number one and this should come as no surprise to any junk food specialist. Crunchy Hot Cheetos without lime. Let's get one thing clear: there is no such thing as a bad bag of Cheetos but the classic hot Cheetos reign supreme. Hot Cheetos are like the cool kid of junk food that smokes cigs and sleeps with a toothpick in their mouth. Confident; unique; alluring. They don't care if you like them or not and that's exactly why you'll love them.

Chester Cheetah could convince you to throw a party at your parents' house while they're out of town and when the party gets too crazy and the cops show up Chester manages to quiet everybody down so that he can open the door and tell the cops that he's home alone "studying." Of course the cops believe him because his charm can't be denied. They leave, Chester closes the door, looks over his shoulder to see the scared faces of all the party-goers, and in one perfect motion he smiles, tips his glasses down and says, "party on."