Recently, I decided to make the transition from drinking regular milk to soy milk. The reason why I had to make the change was pretty simple; I had started getting painful stomach cramps because my body could no longer digest lactose. However, I had no idea what a profound impact drinking soy milk would have on my life.

After just a few days, I began noticing some positive results. My stomach pains went away, I had more energy, and I gained the ability to move small objects using only my mind.

I found some of these new discoveries to be quite peculiar. Like, I had no idea that soy milk contained all nine essential amino acids and that it could give you telekinetic powers.

My diet began to consist only of soy milk. I was now able to move larger objects. That wasn't the only change that happened. My intelligence and consciousness were expanding at an exponential rate. I was reading a new novel a day, writing symphonies, and learning new languages. I started to see humanity in an entirely new way.

I no longer needed sleep. I meditated eight straight hours every night, waking each day feeling as refreshed and focused as the morning sun. The more soy milk I drank, the more power I had. I could read people's minds and then soon I could control their thoughts.

At first, I would use it for minor things, like making the local supermarket cashier "forget" to scan a dozen or so half gallon cartons of soy milk that I would purchase.

Quickly, my hunger for power grew. I had Silk delivery trucks drop entire truckloads of soy milk to my doorstep. Statues were erected in my honor. I convinced architects and carpenters to design and build a kingdom in my name.

Soon I had a massive, loyal army under my control. I conquered enemies, cities, and entire countries. However, deep down I was hurting. I began to feel stomach pains again, but it wasn't lactose this time. It was guilt.

One night, alone in my kingdom I was finishing a large glass of soy milk from my crystal chalice. I tilted my glass as far back as I could to get the last few drops on the bottom. While doing so, I caught my reflection in the glass. I didn't recognize the man staring back at me. That man wasn't me. He was a monster, drunk on power. Soy milk power.

So I decided to release the psychological trap I held on society and let things return to the way they were. I greatly diminished my soy milk intake and my powers disappeared, too.

For those of you out there thinking of making the switch to soy milk, I hope you do so with caution. Sure, soy milk is a great non-dairy alternative to milk, but drink responsibly so you don't make the same mistakes I did.