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The All Too Real Realities Of College, As Told By Amy Schumer

Lauren O'Connell

Oct 14, 2015

Baylor University

The All Too Real Realities Of College, As Told By Amy Schumer

Amy Schumer rocks and if you don't agree, that's fine, and I understand. But just know that you're wrong.

Trying to suck up to all of your new professors

Trying to juggle your homework and social life while still keeping a rockin' bod

Realizing 'Ring by Spring' is just as unrealistic as it was last year

Registering for easy classes just to bump up your GPA

When you see your exam grade

When someone in your group project doesn't contribute

When your friends are all dressed and ready to go out and ask you to come last minute

Changing out of your pajamas because you want to go out with your friends.... and hating every moment of it

Giving yourself a pep talk when that guy you met last night doesn't text you back....

Having to speed walk across campus to try and get to class on time.

Explaining to your mother how great your eating habits have been since you left home...

When your professors all schedule tests in the same week....

Posting snap chat stories to prove to your friends at home that college is AWESOME!!

Not being able to conceal your pride for your football team...

Realizing that you're in college. Which is just cool.

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The All Too Real Realities Of College, As Told By Amy Schumer

Trying to suck up to all of your new professors

Trying to juggle your homework and social life while still keeping a rockin' bod

Realizing 'Ring by Spring' is just as unrealistic as it was last year

Registering for easy classes just to bump up your GPA

When you see your exam grade

When someone in your group project doesn't contribute

When your friends are all dressed and ready to go out and ask you to come last minute

Changing out of your pajamas because you want to go out with your friends.... and hating every moment of it

Giving yourself a pep talk when that guy you met last night doesn't text you back....

Having to speed walk across campus to try and get to class on time.

Explaining to your mother how great your eating habits have been since you left home...

When your professors all schedule tests in the same week....

Posting snap chat stories to prove to your friends at home that college is AWESOME!!

Not being able to conceal your pride for your football team...

Realizing that you're in college. Which is just cool.

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AKA, Christmas overload.

I'm technically an adult, so I'm legally required to live a little, right?

1. Watch an R-rated Scary Movie in a Movie Theater

2. Buy a Lottery Ticket

3. Vote in an Election

4. Participate in a Run (or a Walk, Realistically) for Charity

5. Go on a Road Trip

6. Start a Savings Account

7. Get a Credit Card

8. Sign up for Spotify Premium

9. Go to a Club

10. Start a Meditation Routine

11. Go to a Yoga Class

12. Treat Myself to a Dinner for One

13. Volunteer for a Charity

14. Participate in a Research Study

15. Bake Something (That Ends Up Being Edible)

16. Go Skydiving

17. Be Called for Jury Duty

18. Figure Out What I Want to Do With my Life

The holiday classics that shaped my life

1."But what would happen if we all tried to be like Santa and learned to give as only he can give: of ourselves, our talents, our love and our hearts? Maybe we could all learn Santa's beautiful lesson and maybe there would finally be peace on Earth and good will toward men."

"Sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can't see."

"If you won't use your heart, who cares if it gets broken? If you just keep it to yourself, maybe it'll be like my rollerblades. When you do decide to try it, it won't be any good. You should take a chance. Got nothing to lose."

"Remember, no man is a failure who has friends."

"Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it."

"If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find a that love actually is all around."

"Sometimes things look good on paper, but lose their luster when you see how it affects real folks. I guess a healthy bottom line doesn't mean much if to get it, you have to hurt the ones you depend on."

"'Maybe Christmas,' he thought, 'doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps, means a little bit more.'"

"Faith is believing when common sense tells you not to."

"There's room for everyone on the nice list."

Hopefully they will make you laugh.

1. Why are towels considered dirty when you get out of the shower clean?

2. Who closes the bus door once the bus driver gets off?

3. Why is there a "d" in "fridge" but not in "refrigerator"?

4. If you drop soap on the floor is the floor clean or the soap dirty?

5. Is the "S" or the "C" silent in the word "scent"?

6. Does expecting the unexpected make the unexpected the expected?

7. Would Lightning McQueen buy car insurance or life insurance?

8. Who put the alphabet in alphabetical order?

9. What color are mirrors?

10. If 2 mind readers read each other's minds whose mind are they really reading?

11. Is there a synonym for "synonym"?

12. If your shirt isn't tucked into your pants, are your pants tucked into your shirt?

13. Why is it called "quick sand" if you sink slowly in it?

14. If I try to fail, but succeed, which one did I do?

15. If Cinderella's shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?

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