As midterms are quickly approaching, I realize that my days as a college freshman are limited. No matter what I do to slow down the time, the clock is ticking away at supersonic speed. There is still so much I have yet to accomplish, but there are a few things that I have up my sleeve that I have yet to tell my mother. Now, not all college students want their parents to know 100% of what they are actually up to while they are away, me being one of them, but there are some things that I need to tell you, mom, that I cannot say face to face. So of course, I will say them over the internet! I feel more comfortable saying these things on a platform that I can hide my face behind. So these are the things that I do not have the courage to tell you to your face.
1. When I talk to you on the phone and I say I'm alright, 85% of the time I'm lying to you.
It's not that I'm homesick or I miss you and dad, it's that, I always feel like I'm going to cry, have a breakdown, pushed to the point of no return. I'm trying to get help, you know that, but sometimes it all gets too much. There are days that I literally have to throw myself out of bed to get ready for class and I always feel like I am about to start crying in public. I think my depression is worse than you or I can see right now, but I am trying to get help.
2. When I say I don't miss you, I do.
It's just, I see how the other girls are here when they tell their moms they miss them, they cry and go home every weekend to see them. I don't want a repeat cycle so I try to psych myself out saying that I don't miss you.
3. I really do miss Rascal.
Being apart from my dog is one of the most painful things I've experienced so far. I miss hearing his little chain clink together as he trots through the hallways.
4. I am safe when I go out.
I don't drink, ask my friends. As soon as we get to where our destination is, my first thing I do is plan how to get out of the room in case of a problem. I don't do anything stupid, but I don't stray away from having a good time.
5. My friends here are my new family.
Now obviously nothing can replace my true family, but we've bonded so much in these past few weeks that we have come to accept each other no matter what. Even when we fight, we make up and move on like all families do.
6. I feel like my writing is actually terrible.
Even though many people have told me how "good" my writing is, I can never get the D's and F's of middle and high school English classes out of my head. I know you have said to put that aside, but I can't. Getting those grades have absolutely crushed all of my dreams of being a successful writer. I have stayed up night after night revising and editing everything from Instagram captions to college papers to my Odyssey articles. No matter how big or small the writing could be, I feel like a failure all because of those letters at the top of my paper getting handed back to me.
So there you go, mom. These are the things I couldn't work up the courage to tell you to your face. After you read the article about Grampy, I knew you were worried about me. But to be completely honest with you, again, everything goes a lot deeper than just what I wrote in that article. It took me FOREVER to work up the strength to hit "post" on that article. So, since I decided to post this on the internet, I hope there is someone else out there that can relate and also share this to explain to their parents.
Thank you for reading.
