Do you want to be a truly, deeply unhappy person? Does misery appeal to you? Do you want to live in a constant state of dejection? If so, these seven tips are for you!

Step 1: Compare yourself to others

I guarantee that there will always be someone who has more money, a better body, trendier clothes, a larger friend group, and an overall easier life than you do. Make sure to take note of where you seem to fall short. If you do this, you will not have an opportunity to find the amazing things in your life.

Step 2: Complain as often as possible

The enemy of misery is contentment. Remember to find the most negative parts of even the best things in your life. Nothing is ever good enough. And if something seems perfect, you can always find a reason not to enjoy it. Whatever you do, don’t be too thankful.

Step 3: Isolate yourself

Friends can be fun, uplifting, and positive influences in your life. The solution? Don’t hang out with anyone. Hole up in your room, ignore the outside world, and truly just be alone. This is especially beneficial if you’re an extrovert who is energized by other people. Regardless, loneliness is next to misery; they feed off of one another.

Step 4: Stress out about the little things

Think purely in hypotheticals. What could go wrong? Answer that question in your mind over and over and over until you can’t see what could possibly go well in a scenario. Before you take a test, even if you’ve studied, assume you’ll fail. It’s things like this that will inhibit your ability to enjoy life in the moment.

Step 5: Seek to gain the approval of everyone else

Individuality is overrated. You don’t want to be yourself. You want to be liked. True joy comes in true self-expression; therefore, you must get so caught up in the opinions of everyone else that you forget to be who you are. That way, even the relationships you develop will be hollow shells of a friendship, based entirely on a carefully curated version of you.

Step 6: Only focus on the things you have to do

Who cares about having fun? Who cares about what you truly want to do? Life is about getting things out of the way so you can focus on the next set of tasks. Immerse yourself solely in studying or work or whatever it may be that demands your time, and don’t stop to ask yourself if you are enjoying any moments throughout your day. Just do what you’ve got to do.

Step 7: Don’t make an effort to be happy

A common misconception about happiness is that it just sort of happens upon certain people and skips others. That’s not true. The happiest people in the world choose on a daily basis to see the best in everyone and everything. Following that same train of thought, you have to choose on a daily basis that you are miserable and bitter. Soon, it’ll become habit, and misery will be so deeply engrained in your lifestyle that you may never slip out of it.

Hopefully you understand by now that this was supposed to be a tongue-in-cheek article. And hopefully you found this article at least somewhat unsettling. The point is, too many people end up in a certain emotional state of being and are surprised when they get there. In truth, you are the master of your own life. Of course there are extenuating circumstances, but on a general day-to-day basis, the way you view the world is almost completely up to you. It’s all about #7, really: you have to choose happiness. And while it is certainly one of the hardest choices you’ll ever make, it is also one of the best.