I'm a teenager. Who expects to be a mother during their teen years? I sure didn't. And when I found out I was pregnant, it was the hardest thing I've had to deal with. That was, until, I lost that precious and tiny child growing inside my body. That changed me.
I wasn't ready to be a mom. I had no experience with babies. I was still in high school, I was on track to graduate. I had plans for college, I wanted to live in the dorms and to meet new friends and make incredible memories. A child was the last thing on my mind. Sure, one day I wanted children and a family. But I wasn't ready. Not now...
Being a pro-choice individual doesn't mean I would get an abortion myself. In fact, I couldn't imagine doing that. That was out of the question. My boyfriend was excited and supportive. He was more ready than I was, which gave me confidence. His family, especially his mom, were 100% supportive, too. They wanted me to achieve my dreams as much as I did. Though I was only a little over a month pregnant, I felt confident that with help, I could do this with my boyfriend.
You were only the size of a sprinkle, but I knew I loved you.
When I first told my parents, I was alone. It was just me, no one by my side. At first, they were scared with me. I was crying and I remember them on the verge of tears. Their 17-year-old daughter was pregnant. I went to sleep that night knowing they were scared and very disappointed with me, but I was not prepared for what was to come.
The next day I got a very bitter email from my dad (yes, email) while I was at school saying I couldn't drive the car now and that he would drive me to and from school. Fine, whatever. But then he said that as soon as I turned 18, that I wasn't welcome in his house. He recommended that I drop out of high school and work full time otherwise I couldn't do this. My father, a college professor, recommended I drop out of high school. I was in shock, and completely heartbroken. My mom was still very disappointed but later assured me that I would not be kicked out when I turned 18 as it was her house too.
That same day at school, I went to my guidance counselor. I talked to her and the school nurse, who happened to be pregnant too, and they gave me pamphlets and information on how to move forward through this journey. I also went to a teacher that I was very close with and confided in her too. Their support and information were a huge help.
I was at work that night when I got a text saying they wanted to talk to me when I got home. They were both very mad and forced the idea of abortion or adoption on me. I wasn't for it and they knew that but made sure I knew that they were "certain" I wouldn't succeed if I kept that child.
I went in for blood work the next day to check my levels and they called back with bad news. My levels didn't rise, which could mean a few things. 1. It was just a false reading. 2. It could result in a miscarriage. Or 3. It could be an ectopic pregnancy. I was terrified. Later that day, I felt something and went to the bathroom. It was blood. I screamed for my mom to come upstairs because I was bleeding. Very heavily and very fast. We went to the hospital, they did an internal ultrasound and verified it was a miscarriage. They started digging around to get the rest of the cells and tissues out. The entire time I was crying and did not know what to do. My mom and boyfriend's mom was there, and eventually, my boyfriend arrived too. He was almost as heartbroken as me. The child we made, we didn't get to meet.
I was miserable for weeks after that. Crying myself to sleep every night became a habit. I didn't want to eat or do anything.
Still, today, tearing up as I write this, it hurts to talk about and breaks my heart. I always wonder what life would be like now with our child in this world. But, I'll never know. I will never forget the day I lost you, my little sprinkle ❤
