It seems that everywhere you look you see a mother picking up some milk at the supermarket with bruises on her arms, a five-year-old boy walking out of school trying to hide his black eye, or spine-tingling accounts like the brutal “Stanford Rape Case” splattered all throughout the news.
Abuse has become another problem in society that we witness so much that we somehow forget it is there, but it runs so much deeper than superficial cuts and scrapes. Instead of breaking an arm or cracking a rib, abusers can attack something much more delicate: your mind.
Gabby* has experienced this more than any other teenager (or person, for that matter) should ever have to endure. Talking with her, you would never think she would be a victim of such an invasion. Gabby is your everyday Brainiac; she’s brilliant and she knows it. Mastering her chemistry classes, she hopes to find a future in the medical field. Personally, I’d let her do brain surgery on me in a heartbeat, so I was honored when she allowed me to take a peek into her brain as we talked.
Everyone is nervous their freshman year of high school. You’re immersed in a pool of all new people who don’t even know your name, so it isn’t surprising that Gabby was flattered when Douglas* began to notice her. Before she knew it, they were dating. She had no idea of the person he would become.
The most logical way I can share her story is through a series of steps. To put it frankly, this format best reflects Douglas’s almost methodical progression through the relationship.
PHASE 1: ROPING HER IN
They started out like a typical high school romance, sweet and new. Gabby only saw Douglas through rose-colored lenses as the “nice kid” with a “funny sense of humor.” To be truly honest, that’s how I saw them as well. Whenever I would pass them in the hallway, they would always be holding hands and smiling. Gabby tells me that she even had a great relationship with his family, particularly his mother. To put icing on the seemingly flawless cake, he would buy her expensive gifts on the regular. I can’t emphasize enough, however, that Gabby never took advantage of his “generosity,” but you can’t blame her for being swept of her feet. Regardless of all of the big gestures, Doug still refused to ever drive her home, and in the rare case that he would, she’d be expected to pay her fair share in gas money.
PHASE 2: MIND GAMES
At this time, Gabby was able to pass the little things off. Unfortunately, these little things grew and grew. Doug started a game on a new playing field, Gabby’s mind. She began to feel unable to create real conversations with him anymore. “If I was having a bad day, he would just ignore me,” Gabby says. He would then steam roll over her feelings and insensitively ask “can we talk about me instead?” This is where it started to hurt. Gabby has dealt with anxiety and depression for years, and even though she has proudly been able to control these conditions, Douglas realized that she was “constantly worrying about everything.” With this discovery, he saw an opportunity for control. “He learned how my anxiety stuff worked,” declares Gabby, and he looked for ways to use it against her. The ironic part of this tactic is that she believes he has his own issues, bipolar tendencies. He would have his periods of absolute kindness, but, like a switch of a lightbulb, “he became cruel." Gabby was now seeing the dark side of Douglas.
PHASE 3: MANIPULATION
This dark side was about to get even darker. Doug now took complete control over every aspect of Gabby’s life. From her hair to her clothes, Doug judgmentally scrutinized everything. Gabby is a very independent person, so she often chose to ignore these marching orders. Douglas, of course, was not happy about this at all. In order to tie her back up to fit his whim, he would threaten her relationships with other people. “My mother will disapprove,” he would say. He even interfered with her friendships because “he didn’t trust [Gabby] with anybody,” telling Gabby that her friends didn’t actually care for her, just pitied her. And through it all, she still stayed with him. Instead of the free-thinking person she was before, she found herself wrapped up in the control. “He made me feel like I did need him.”
Eventually, Gabby snapped out of the stupor, so she understandably wanted to end things. Though, Gabby knew it wasn’t going to be simple. Because of his controlling nature, the only way to have a smooth breakup was to make it seem like it was his decision. Gabby slightly changed the way she acted or threw little comments into conversation that she knew would grind his gears. And it worked. The couple officially broke up a few months ago.
From face value, things were working out just fine; she was moving on. Gabby was going out on dates with new people and becoming closer with old friends. She went to school dances and rediscovered her personal freedoms that she lost in her abusive relationship with Doug.
Doug wasn’t quite finished though. I don’t know if it was out of jealousy or malice, but he began to harass her. His median of choice this time around was social media. He would send her horrible messages and try to make her feel small. Gabby is strong; she could handle the terrible words, but then he did something, in my opinion, unforgivable. He took some of Gabby’s things he had from their relationship, threw them in a fire, and posted a video of it all on social media. Among the burnt offerings included some of her artwork. Gabby is a very talented artist. I remember sitting in Spanish one day, and she sketched a portrait of me in the last five minutes of class. I was incredibly impressed to say the very least. He completely disrespected her as an artist and as a person when her mercilessly destroyed her belongings.
As she finished her story, she began reflecting upon the relationship as a whole. She admits that even though she is “so much happier now,” she still sees the aftermath of his treatment in her other relationships. “I’m walking on eggshells… I’m so cautious,” says Gabby. She even finds herself apologizing for everything, no matter how small. The saddest part for me is when she looked out on the street behind me and addressed a car parked along the curb. She told me that he had the same exact car, and seeing it reminded her of all that he did. I couldn’t help but realizing the symbolism behind that car’s presence. No matter how much time passes, she is constantly reminded of him every day. That is going to stay with her for a while.
Finally, I asked if she has forgiven him. She openly confessed that she hasn’t been able to, or at least “not just yet.” Frankly, I can’t blame her at all. She has every right to the way she feels. She needs time, and, honestly, so does he. Gabby say that Douglas needs to “work on himself” because he is “kind of an asshole.” Gabby, I assure you, that is an understatement.
If you or someone you love is in an abusive relationship, please, get help. Emotional abuse is so much more common than we like to believe. The problem is that we often don't want to admit it to ourselves. Gabby advises that it is all in the "little things." So notice these signs early, and get out while you can. I know it may feel like you're stuck between a "rock and a hard place," but I swear you are worth so much more than your significant other. One of my favorite sayings is "you have to love yourself before you can love someone else," and it is about time Douglas learns this lesson.
*Names have been changed to protect the identities of those mentioned in this story.
