One of the saddest and yet also most telling articles I read recently spoke of our millennial generations aversion to relationships. We want all the benefits but without any of the work, they said, and how true this is. Sitting drinking coffee and doing homework, I am located between two tables and can just overhear both of their conversations. The first table is a table of three guys who are passing around a phone and comparing tinder matches. “Yeah but she looks like I can get some side action” one guy comments. Turning my head, I can hear the table of six girls chattering about guys, and one says “I honestly just want someone to show off on Instagram and tell me I’m pretty and that’s it”. The Irony of the situation does not escape me as I scroll further down the page of the article and their conversations continue on a relatively similar trajectory. Reflecting on this incident later, I came to wonder why. Why millennials don’t want relationships. I ultimately came up with three reasons.

“Relationships are hard” The most frequent reason I hear among my friends is that being in a relationship is hard. It’s hard to put another person before your own wants. It’s hard to admit that you care about a person so much as to put their everything before your own. But can good things come without work? Can you climb a mountain without a thousand tiring steps? Relationships are work, something millennials tirelessly try to avoid, but are work of the best kind. “Relationships are hard” is an excuse. Losers need excuses. Winners work.

“Pleasure is King” This mentality is not so much spoken about as it is practiced. Its best reflected in the “Swipe right for a fun night” and “Call for a good time” mentality. The idea that some pleasure is the ultimate to be desired has definitely entrapped our generation. Whether it be physical or emotional, seeking pleasure has become the norm and the expected. To feel good for that instant has become too much the enticing bubble we chase until it inevitably pops.

“Tin-can Culture” The third is somewhat of a result of the first two. The idea being that whenever a person stops providing that pleasure, or the relationship becomes shaky, it can be discarded as easily as a tin can, wasted and useless. This is the ultimate in the cycle of use that pervades our culture. When our fellow human beings become so low to the selfish idea that pleasure is king.

As a result of these “Reasons” why our generation does not want to be in relationships, we have developed a sort of proto-relationship. The Netflix and chill club where we can indulge in the pleasure without any of the work and when it runs out can leave. These have left so many hurt and broken. So many girls who cry at night because guys only use them for their bodies and never give them what they really desire; the cry that there are no good guys left anymore. So many guys who have become so wary of girls who use them to try and patch a hole they have in the need for companionship. We as human beings are blessed with the virtue of common sense, but we do not often use it. We can see the terrible result of our fears, yet instead of changing our culture, become even more attached to the fool’s gold of proxy-relationships. We fear rejection so much we do anything but ask someone out any more. I urge you: be not afraid. Be not afraid of wanting a relationship. Do not fear the sting of rejection because it, though painful, will shape you to a stronger person. Be not afraid of the work of relationships because they will lead to moments beyond imagination in beauty. Be not afraid to put someone else’s needs before your own. Even if he isn’t the one for the photo book to show your kids; even if she isn’t the one for you to come home to every night, the experiences you will have together in an actual relationship if you go about it in the right way, will shape you both into better people and leave you for the better. Millennials don’t want relationships, but we need them- the right ones.