We didn’t hold hands, we didn’t kiss for years and we didn’t date. At the time you met me I was two years younger and innocent in many eyes. You saw me from afar and tried to capture my attention for weeks. You were determined to get a girl like me with long blonde hair and striking blue eyes to talk to you. It was almost like a twisted version of Romeo and Juliet looking back on where we stood. We lived in two separate worlds. You were about to leave high school and venture out into the real world, while I was just learning how to drive. You were also into drugs and I tried to not let that fact bother me. Eventually though, the days went on and you weren’t showing up to class. Instantly, I knew something was wrong. You had promised me the world and I believed in it. But it wasn’t until you were gone that i realized that I couldn’t be without you anymore.

December 16th, you finally walked through that classroom door. It had been at least two weeks since you had been in class and everyone wondered where you went. I stared at you from across the room and tried to catch your attention to see if there was a single hint of hope for us. But when you looked back, your eyes were cold and dark as if all of the light you used to hold for me was instantly gone in a flash.

That night I called you up and you answered after the third ring,

“Where have you been? Why haven’t you been answering your texts?” I asked, frustrated and relieved you answered.

“We can’t work.” You say in one quick response. You didn’t give me a chance to defend myself or ask why not. You hung up and that was it. Months and months of getting to know each other, the millions of texts sent back and forth were vanished into thin air. I dropped my phone to the floor as my heart began to break and the wall of tears flooded out. I didn’t understand why my emotions were so strong for you like this. We didn’t date, you never had the chance to take me to dinner or to a movie. We were going to wait till I was 18 to try and work things out so my father would be pleased. But I turned out to be wrong; what we had was quick and painful all in one motion.

It took me months to finally get over you and get my life back to where it was. It was also how long it took for you to reach out to me again. Saying that you messed up and couldn’t go on without me somehow in your life, whatever that was. By then though I was with someone else, already over you. But just like your addiction to drugs, I was addicted to you and came running back thinking this time things had changed. But they hadn’t, the cycle would repeat for another year and half of you coming and going in my life. I was starting to get over the chasing game but for some reason I kept playing because I couldn’t get enough. It was a bad habit I couldn’t seem to shake and didn’t plan on it. Everyday I looked forward to your text message and talking to you, the wonder of when I would see you again was making me go crazy.

Finally, in the middle of December you called me up late one night asking to see me. I agreed of course since it had been almost a year of not seeing you in person. I snuck out of my house and ran to your car parked down the street in the bitter cold. It was 11:30 at night and the snow was starting to fall, but it didn’t stop us from speeding off down the street into the unknown. We drove for what felt like hours sitting in the silence letting the music fill the void between us. My heart was racing and it made me wonder if yours was too. I didn’t say a word, I just sunk in the moment not wanting to let it go. You parked in front of an apartment building and turned the car off,

“This is my place do you want to go up to my apartment?” You asked me in a way that wasn’t pressuring but to me felt like a loaded question.

“No, I just can’t tonight.” I say answering the question more then one way. I couldn’t go up there, if I did I wouldn’t want to leave. I stared at you in the dark wanting to see your face in the light, but it was only illuminated by the streetlights. The snow started to fall harder outside leaving a small dusting on the windshield. You took a deep breath as though you were about to say something but then closed your eyes.

“What are you doing? I thought you wanted to talk to me.” I asked confused at why you brought me all the way out here just to sleep in your car.

“I’m trying to nap.” You shushed me and closed your eyes again. I grabbed my phone frustrated that I snuck out of my house just for you to act this way.

“Take me home.” I demanded with my friend on speed dial in case you wouldn’t bring me back. You opened your eyes and looked at me in the dark. The car was starting to get cold and I didn’t wear enough layers to keep me warm. This was a pointless meeting and all I wanted to do was be in my warm bed.

“Why? We just got here.” You said almost frustrated at my request.

“Just take me back, I shouldn’t be out anyways.” I looked back at you so you would know I didn’t mean any funny business. You rolled your eyes and sat up in your seat to turn the car on. You reversed out of the spot and sped out of the parking lot back to my house.

“This is bullshit.” You said as you pulled back into my neighborhood.

“Drop me off here.” I said over the situation and just wanting to get out. You stopped farther down the street from where you picked me up and I got out without saying a word. I slammed the door and started walking in the snow on the sidewalk back to my house. You sped off down the street not bothered that there was now a good inch on the ground. I fought back the tears as I got back into my house and walked up the stairs. It wasn’t until after I took off my clothes, threw on an over-sized shirt and got into my bed that the tears started rolling. The image I had in my mind of how that night would’ve gone wasn’t what happened at all. I was expecting a real conversation to happen, the ones we would talk about in text message. My mind circled as it didn’t make sense why you had so much to say in a text, but when you saw me in person you barely said anything. Part of me thought you were mad because I wouldn’t go up to your apartment, but we both knew if I did that you would’ve wanted to sleep with me. I wasn’t ready for a commitment like that. I was scared, it had been a year since I had actually seen you and didn’t know how I would feel. But when I saw you the feelings were just as strong as I had imagined; that was until you wouldn’t talk to me and brushed me off. I wanted to be over it and over you. This was the last straw, I wouldn’t go back to talk to you it needed to end here.

As usual, it didn’t end there. Five months later you wanted to see me, you wanted me to come over and talk about what had happened. You had promised you were ready this time and no bullshitting around. I agreed and drove nervously to your apartment. It was pouring rain as I pulled into the parking lot and I cursed myself for not having an umbrella. I walked up to the locked door and called you up to let you know I was there. Seconds later you opened the door and smiled. You had a nice black half zip up and jeans on, while I stood on the other side looking like crap.

“Thanks for coming.” You say walking me into your apartment. I noticed how clean the place was, there wasn’t a hint that a guy could possibly live there. It smelled like a febreze air freshener but it couldn’t completely mask the smell of weed. I expected this since you told me long ago you smoked almost everyday, which made me wonder if you had before I showed up. I didn’t say a word as I took off my shoes and walked over to the couch. You already got comfortable and was laughing at the TV show. I sat down on the other end of the couch not feeling comfortable to curl up to you. The space between us in the couch was awkward, just like the fight we had when I last saw you. We sat there for 30 minutes watching TV, not saying a word. Then you looked over at me and pulled me closer. My heart raced as I knew what was going to happen next. We didn’t kiss before and I wasn’t sure how this was going to go down. Thoughts flooded my mind whether you were a good kisser or not. Before I could think further, your lips were on mine and the TV was white noise in the background. We didn’t talk, we didn’t get into the conversation that I had planned for. At this point, I knew not to expect things to go a certain way with you because they never would. I left your apartment later that night feeling happier then I had in months. I drove home replaying the night over and over not letting the fact we didn’t talk much bother me. I was feeling good, feeling that this was where I had wanted to be with you all along. I didn’t know where it was going but it felt promising and I didn’t want to let it go.

A month later you called me up again wanting to talk and I agreed. I drove back to your apartment again, but this time I was determined to talk to you about what was going on. We had talked on and off over the month and my emotions were confusing me more then ever. I parked next to your car and walked confidently up to your door. I knocked hard and waited for you to answer. You opened the door in one swift motion to let me in, this time kissing me hello. The welcoming was more then what I expected and threw my plan once again off track. I was supposed to hold my ground with you until I got what I came here for. We sat down on your couch and this time you immediately tried to resume where we left off the last time. But something was nagging me to stop and talk to you. You stopped kissing as you noticed my lack of interest and looked me in the eyes,

“What’s wrong?” You asked me.

“Nothing.” I said not quiet ready to say it out loud, hoping that you would sense it wasn’t nothing.

“Something definitely is wrong, come on talk to me.” You rolled over on the couch to face me ready to discuss. I took a deep breath and said all I had to say. Saying how much I liked you and wanted to know where this was going. I didn’t want to be somebody you just called up when you wanted to. But the look in your eyes sensed something that I wasn’t prepared to hear. You sat there letting me say all I had to say before you opened up.

“I’m moving.” You said immediately. You said those two words so short, but the impact it had on me was longer.

“Moving where?” I asked, my heart beat starting to pick up.

“California.” Boom, there goes my heart as it exploded as you said the state.

“How? Why?” I asked you a million questions not being able to grasp all that was happening just yet. We had a plan all along, it was all the reason why I was staying home. We could’ve been where we had wanted to be all along. Except now when the timing is right, you would be moving across the country.

“In a couple of months for my job. They're transferring me since our branch out here is closing. They offered me a great deal I couldn’t pass up.” You said trying not to sound too enthusiastic about the situation.

“You can’t go, what about us?” I asked bringing it up as if “us” was a thing to begin with. We technically weren’t together, so for me to label it that way would be crazy. But you didn’t flinch at my word choice.

“I’m sorry, i know it’s not great timing, but i have to go.” You say have to as if you don’t have a choice, but you do. You could’ve told them no thanks and stayed for me to work this out, but instead you kept your silence. The rest of the night was shot now that I had known it could very well be our last time. I left early that night, with you kissing me goodbye while I tried to hold back my emotions. The image I had of us was officially without a doubt over. I contemplated throwing all my cares away and tell you I would move with you to California, but I didn’t. We didn’t date, we didn’t hold hands ever. We weren’t official, we weren’t technically even an ‘us’, and here I was ready to throw my life away to go move with you. You stopped talking to me after that night, feeling that it was better if we didn’t see each other before you left. I disagreed and argued over and over to let me see you but you didn’t budge. Weeks went by and still no word from you or when you were moving. I was starting to get over you, your image in my head slowly deteriorating as the days went on by. Then you called me up one night, and I answered as if we had not been talking for weeks.

“Hello?” I answer as my heart races like it did the first time I saw you.

“Come see me, its my last night.” You ask me and without hesitating I say yes. I get into my car and speed all the way to your apartment knowing it by heart. Memories of the times we spent together come flooding back to me like there wasn’t a break. You open the door but this time there was no smile because we both knew this was the last time. I walk in not sadden that you didn’t kiss me hello. We walk to your couch to sit down and I try not to let the boxes of your stuff around bother me.

“Thanks for coming.” You say almost too formal as if we just met. I shake my head not being able to let the words come out just yet.

“Look, I…” I start to say but you grab me and kiss me like you never have before and I follow in step with you. That night I slept with you, no questions asked or regrets. It was what I had expected it to be, one thing that actually went right in my head. Afterwords, we laid in your bed looking at each other not saying a word just taking in the moment. You kiss my forehead over and over telling me that you’ll miss me as I hold back the tears. I spent the night, ignoring all of the calls wondering where I was. I was right where i needed to be tonight, in your arms for the last few hours I had.

Sunlight woke me up and I knew it was time for me to go. I threw back on my clothes off of the floor and looked over at you sleeping in peace. I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote a note to you,

Luke, What we had was unique. I never want to take back these past two years or last night. You will forever be in the back of my mind and i will never forget you. This isn’t a goodbye it’s just a see you later.

Love You

I fold up the paper and set in on the pillow. I lean over to kiss you and walk out not wanting to face you to actually say goodbye. I silently slip out and get into my car feeling numb. As I drive off, I look back in my rearview mirror remembering that cold winter night when you snapped at me. We have come so far from that night without even realizing it. No we didn’t date, but we did have a connection that no one could describe or understand. Something that was kept private but felt so real in our eyes. You left that morning and didn’t call me up or text me goodbye but I wasn’t hurt about it. I knew that the best way for us to get through this was to let each other go our own ways and discover our own paths. Sometimes I catch myself driving past your place expecting to see you there, but then I remember your gone and i drive off. This was a sad, beautiful tragic that we both didn’t expect to happen two years ago when you met me in that classroom, but also one I will never regret.