I am middle aged. I am middle aged and this time in my life is supposed to be about finally having some semblance of understanding about life. Or is it when I am supposed to have a full-blown mid life crisis? Either way, I am at neither of those points in my life and yet at them at the same time. People talk about middle age, they talk about the virtues and downfalls of that time in our lives but nobody ever expressed to me just how difficult it would be.

We are living a time unlike any other that has come before us. Middle age looks different today than it did 50 years ago. Thirty is the new twenty , Forty is the new 30? What the hell is that supposed to all mean? All I know is that I am premenopausal and praying daily for my “fertile” years to be behind me. I know that I am now the mother of an adult child, not quite sure what that is supposed to mean. I have a child in college whose stress over what she is going to do with her life has become my stress as well, and my youngest child will graduate high school in three semesters and I don’t know who is counting the days more closely, she or I?

To add to that, I am seeing the decline of my physical aspect, it is harder to loss weight than ever. I have crease lines between my brows not because I frown so much as because when I concentrate I do it with my face. I am keenly aware that my looks are transforming into those of an “older” woman and I am truly struggling to find the once sexy woman I considered myself to be. And if that weren’t enough, add to it the having to watch the slow decline of my parent.

I don’t know what I imagined when I thought about what this part of my life would mean for me. Where I’d be, what I would be doing, what my family would look like, those were all questions that I didn’t delve too deeply into. Now, well now I find myself sad far more often than I care to be. The worries of my family weigh heavily on me, the vanity issues take a backseat of course but they are there when I look in the mirror where I am reminded that time is passing, and passing quickly.

There are wonderful things about this time of life as well. I have more freedom to do things that I couldn’t do when my children were young. I know myself better and am more confident about expressing my insecurities and fears (as I am doing now). I am able to appreciate life in a way that I could not when I was younger. Yes, there are many positive things about middle age; I just have to remind myself of them far more frequently than I had to remind myself to enjoy my youth.

I guess my advice would be this, to those of you who are in or nearing middle age, make sure you have a good group of friends around you that are going through some of the things that you are. Not because misery loves company but because they can relate to your struggles and wither commiserate with you or give you perspective.