I struggled this week trying to decide what to write about. There are so many topics floating around in my head. I realize, unlike my younger counterparts, none of what I have to say is fresh or hip or in the now. I am middle-aged and I have realized, as confirmed by a recent article I read, that I give no F^*%s! I don’t care about what is relevant, because I have lived long enough to know that it is irrelevant.
I live in LA, the Mecca of youth, beauty, and frankly, falsehood. I have strived for years to be a size four. My body has rebelled for years reminding me that I was not a size four at 16, and I will not be a size four at 45! And such is life. I am learning to embrace middle age. It isn’t easy because attached to this middle aged body is a mind that is still convinced that it is in its twenties and has not aged a day since 1992! See, that is the hardest part of aging, the outside ages and the inside is saying “WTF! What do you mean I can’t do the splits anymore! I am the f-ing boss at the splits!” And then you pull a muscle and do not recover for a month.
I like the Benjamin Button theory. You start off old and decrepit and then the best is ahead. Life is odd in that way. I wish now that in my twenties, when I was a stunning, vibrant woman, that I would have had the self-confidence to recognize that in myself. Instead I spent years worrying about what other people thought about me. I was more concerned about being more of what others expected than being true to myself. I didn’t like myself in those years. As a matter of fact, I couldn’t stand myself. I constantly felt unworthy. Didn’t think I could do much of anything in life. I was ashamed and embarrassed of who I was.
I look back on the me of twenty years ago and feel so sad for her. She was beautiful, not on the outside but on the inside. She had this capacity to love, to see the world in a light that made it subliminal. She was kind, loving, spontaneous and genuine. I really wish that I could have liked her for who she was and that I could be more like her today.
Today, I give no F#)%s! I am tired of trying to please the unpleasable (hey! Look at that! I just invented a word!) Everyday I wake up and try to be the best me that I can be. Some days I am a hot vixen that can take on the world, with my turkey neck and my myopia and all! Other days, it’s all I can do to convince myself to get out of bed and try to face the day. Every day is a choice to live the best life that I can live and to love the FABULOUS woman that I am. As time goes on, I find that I like me more and more. I am a kick ass broad that enjoys a dirty joke, an intimate night with the man of my life, a stiff drink, and a belly laugh with my good friends. I am getting tired of mourning my physical youth; I am embracing my age and enjoying the advantage of the knowledge that comes with the years.
My only advice… Enjoy every moment of life for what it is worth. It is all fleeting; so suck the life out of each moment of time. Live life to the fullest and appreciate it for what it is. Embrace the changes and love yourself for who you are. Its an amazing ride, don’t shy away from it.
