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Friendships

my first love

Loving someone for the first and last time..

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my first love

I guess we never forget our first loves. You where the wolf in sheep's clothing that everyone warned me about. I was so attracted to the outer appearance, and your words, all the things you said that you loved about me where the same exact reason I was taught when I was younger to hate about myself. See what people don't realize is that same kid that was bullied still grows up to become an adult. That same kid that you bullied from middle school has feelings and a memory that is priceless. The times that I was ever harassed, bullied, or talked about, for some reason those seemed to stick with me into high school. Me thinking that I was fat, unattractive, and would never be loved. The countless number of times that I would come home from school and cry to my mother and father about what someone had said about me. Those haunting memories that leave me to fear about having my own children. You changed that in me, you were my first love. I remember my mother telling me that constantly, "you're not in love Amanda" and I would always think to myself, she doesn't even really know how I feel about him. My dad always told me if you really want to find out who someone is just spend enough time around them and they will reveal themselves to you, and surely you did. In the early months, I didn't see it then as well I can now, but if anyone is ever trying to change who you are just to fit the criteria of who they want you to be, you don't need that person in your life. I had started to change myself into someone that I wanted him to like better and to find more attractive to him just to get his attention. After trying to change me came the mental abuse and harassment. I guess the part of me that still questions to this day is why continue to stay with someone like this, and my reasoning is because he was the first person outside of my family that made me feel like I was someone special. Then came the day that he stole a piece of me that could never be replaced or simply put back. My innocence was gone and shortly after so was he...

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