To the coffee-ignorant individual ordering at an espresso place,
Hi! How are you? (This is always the first thing you hear me say anyway, so let’s keep things familiar.)
The world of espresso is unnecessarily complicated sometimes. It’s foreign ground—literally, the majority of the terms are Italian (also, literally there are grounds). If you don’t quite know what you’re doing when it comes to ordering coffee, it might be embarrassing to ask for clarification. And as your barista, it’s also embarrassing for me to correct you. The customer is always right, right? Well, not really. So here are a few tips for those inexperienced at ordering coffee:
Unless you're at Starbucks, a "Frappuccino" isn't a thing. It’s literally trademarked by Starbucks and legally doesn’t exist anywhere else. If you order a “Frappuccino,” I'm going to smile and ask you what flavor of blended coffee you want and whether or not you want whipped cream because that’s what we do here at Not-Starbucks.
I also have to break some news to you about Starbucks and the “caramel macchiato.” I don’t know what Starbucks has concocted with the caramel macchiato thing, but they seem to have set some weird expectations. Honestly, a macchiato is so similar to a latte that it's not even worth explaining the difference. So when you order a “caramel macchiato,” I’m just going to make you basically a latte with caramel sauce. Just so you know. But I’m not going to correct you or anything because you’re going to get sweet, tasty coffee either way, and I know it feels fancier to request a "macchiato."
The names do sound very fancy, but don’t get carried away; whatever you do, don’t stack the names of drinks. If you order a “vanilla cappuccino latte espresso,” we’re going to have to have a talk because I can’t make you what you ordered because it’s not really a thing that exists. I’m sorry.
And about the names for smoothies (“Banana Blast,” “Mango Madness,” etc.)—they are completely arbitrary. It would honestly be simpler if you just asked for a peach smoothie, but I won’t lie: it does make me chuckle a bit when you proudly order a “Peach Pleasure.”
If you’re just way too overwhelmed by all the options for beverages, and you don’t know what any of it means, and you’re only here because your wife dragged you in, and you just want a “darn coffee,” don’t fear. You can get a simple, plain old, regular cup of coffee. You can have it black, or I can give you the cream, and you can put in as much as you want. It’s OK.
Real quick, let me tell you about sizes. There's 12 ounce, 16 ounce, or 20 ounce. One is the smallest, one is the medium-est and one is the largest. This part of ordering is actually pretty simple; don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.
Finally, let’s talk about tipping. If you ordered six drinks, totaling upwards of 30 dollars, and you watched me scramble to get them to you as fast as possible, please tip. If you think the coffee tastes good, please tip. If you don’t want me to think of you as a terrible person forever, please tip. Complimenting me or my coffee is very nice and will make my heart warm, but you know what will make my heart even warmer? If you leave a tip, too.
Thank you! Have a good day!
Sincerely,
The broke-college-student barista who's unimpressed with coffee pretension and is only slightly less clueless than you but can make pretty good coffee.
